I used to be afraid of being “notorious” as I’ve always been a bit different. I wanted to “fit in”, to be known, to be liked. The issue is … I don’t think I’ve felt that way towards myself. Yet I’ve wanted it from outside of me. Except I also didn’t want to be like everyone else. Go figure.
In other words, I’ve had this contentious and confusing relationship with myself, and I wanted others to approve of me, when I haven’t approved of myself.
I’ve been on a path for a while to get to know myself although the path is a bit different than I had been on. Little did I know how the two were related, per the origins of the word “notorious”:
1540–50; Medieval Latin notorius evident, equivalent to no(scere ) to get to know (see notify) + -torius -tory
I don’t approach life the way most people do. In addition to a more open perspective on life, my brain processes information differently than almost anyone I know, or any of those who know me, know. Makes life interesting. I’ve always felt different, and lately, I’ve been feeling even more so.
More and more I’ve come to accept how I’ve been in life …. identify what comes naturally to me …. choosing what beliefs and perspectives are important to me versus what I thought should be …. choosing where I want to move out of a current comfort zone.
My entire life, I am used to being the one with the vision … the one blazing the trail … the one striking the path …. the one leading the team, whether I meant to or not, it just kind of happens.
For the past few years, I’ve enjoyed living without the need for much external validation.
Nowadays, I usually live more in the present ….. more focused on moving forward versus living from the past … more focused on thriving, joy, laughter ….
Then the past few weeks happened. Lately, I’ve been clearing and purging and processing and shifting and releasing and creating. I’ve been moody, emotional, out of sorts, judgmental, reactive, fearful, angry, resentful, etc. Not all of the time, but way more than I would like to live in and not how I am used to living my life, anymore.
I’m not getting things done when I’ve told others they would, or planned things would be complete. I don’t like this. Even more, I don’t like that I’m seeing this as a pattern in my life, whether there are factors seemingly out of my control or not. Which started me looking at other parts of who I thought I was.
Then, it hit me ….
I FEEL LOST.
I’m starting to see that I haven’t been completely who I, or others, thought I was. Nor, in some cases, is that who I want to be. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, a fake, an imposter …. and that’s the worst. Seeing what I have contorted myself to be, to fit the mold of others.
I see that I’ve been betraying myself, over and over … and then get outraged if someone seemingly does that to me.
I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I really have been. Who has defined who I’m supposed to be? I’ve been living on auto-pilot … which is broken and no longer working for me.
WHO DO I WANT TO BE? What choices am I making? What choices do I want to make?
Because I’m experiencing a LOT of change in my life, I’m also experiencing a sense of overwhelm. I’m being put into a position of having to come face-to-face with the last 20 or so years of my life and well, it’s not all fun. In the process, I’ve been encountering one thing after another which is breaking down, burping, blowing up around me. AWKWARD.
In the midst of organizing tons of papers in boxes going back years and years, I’m coming face to face with what I’ve done and not done. I’m feeling nostalgic, regretful, sometimes proud and pleased. Mostly, UNPLEASANT.
I’ve been consolidating electronic files, merging duplicate files from over the past two decades … External hard drives have been crashing, before files could be pulled off. In the process of recovering what could be, and I got sick, I authorized destroying a hard drive which had been damaged before I checked what came off it. I lost YEARS and years of sole copies of my extensive work product, which I thought defined me. Even though I have some in paper form … SICKENING.
I’m experiencing odd issues with my computer, my phone, and especially my internet. Repeated tech visits, nothing helps. Everything is moving sooooo slow, which is part of what prompted getting the electronic files merged and consolidated. Then, crash. My tires needed to be unexpectedly replaced when one got damaged and went flat. The motor on our ac went out for the 2nd time in 9 years, and we have to pay for the labor. FRUSTRATING.
I’m clearing out a lot of items in my home, redoing walls, etc. Sometimes I’m having a tough time letting go of things, even though I haven’t used something for years, and/or I’m hearing it’s time to let the item move on. I can’t find things I need, such a paper to get a sizable reimbursement. Items I love are breaking. UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’ve been detoxing and working on a metabolic reset. My body is getting healthier, and I’ve been able to start exercising again. My body is starting to reflect a shape again, and this makes my mom happy. I have a wedding for my nephew in June, and the pressure is mounting as it’s not progressing “fast enough” for what I’d like. YIKES.
My primary relationships are shifting. I’m still integrating connecting with members of my birth family (I was adopted) and the unexpected reactions in my (adopted) family members and myself. There are other primary relationships and situations shifting in fundamental ways. STRESSFUL.
I have a number of people in my life, and one in particular, close to me, who are acting as perfect mirrors for behaviors and words about me, that I needed to see in myself. All the ugly, seemingly cruel stuff I am hearing is really just a reflection of the ugly, cruel things I’ve been saying to myself. UGLY.
I’ve been guided to explore unexpected ways of supporting myself financially, on a long-term basis and in a sustainable way. Utilizing some of my natural skills and requiring developing new and emerging skills. I’m interacting with “new” people. PANIC-INDUCING.
A lot of what has worked for me in the past as distractions, doesn’t work anymore. The familiar coping mechanisms no longer work the same way, and primarily no longer work. DISTRESSING.
My usual way of being, what I’m familiar with is being shaken from to the core …. My foundation is being reset, restructured … I don’t have much familiar to fall back on. I’m usually the one with the answers. SCARY.
Everything is taking way longer … takes more effort. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A LOT OF THE TIME, lately. Even in doing this blog, my computer locked up and I had to reboot it, and a number of times I just had to sit and wait for it.
WHAT’S THE POINT IN SHARING ALL THIS? Especially since I rarely ever vent much, let alone publicly, as I don’t need nor desire any sympathy.
I’m feeling LOST. Life is feeling AWKWARD … UNPLEASANT … SICKENING … FRUSTRATING … UNCOMFORTABLE … STRESSFUL …. PANIC-INDUCING … UGLY …. DISTRESSING.
I say I want peace in my life, and my life isn’t reflecting this. So, maybe I don’t really want peace. The “committee in my head” starts to gear up for bashing me, my life, my past, my present, my future.
Today ….. I have tools to stay in the awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, stressful, distressing, sickening, panic-inducing, ugly, scary … and have it not be more than where I am, in the moment.
I have tools to stay in the present …. and not return to the past, nor project failure into the future.
I have tools to not freeze in the present, just because I’m feeling lots of potentially overwhelming feelings.
Today, I can choose to face the feelings, accept them, acknowledge them, and choose new ones … and if I don’t, that’s okay.
Today, I have the ability to choose. Let’s see who I choose to create.
Run from what’s comfortable.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on I’ll be mad.
You may have heard the phrase, “we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience”. When this first made sense to me, I began to experience a sense of disinterest about my life. I started to perceive things from just a spiritual perspective, so that I felt a bit detached from my body and perhaps even life around me. Eventually I learned to include the body in my spiritual practice. The title of this article, The Total Mind-Body-Spirit Connection, refers to the connection of each aspect in total balance.
As an energy healing practitioner, I receive intuitive guidance about the relevance and intelligence of the body. I learned to dialogue with people’s bodies and assist them in having conversations with their bodies to identify where their problems were being held. When I begin to work on a person, sensation in my body tells me exactly what part of the client’s body needs attention. Usually that information isn’t about something physical, but about an emotional or a past hurt that needs attention.
What I realized through my practice, is that I had neglected my own body. Inadvertently, through judgment and neglect, I created a perception of separation from my body. I basically thought that as a spiritual being, my body was just a skin that didn’t have much relevance to my spiritual journey.
Well, all that has changed, and I want to share some insights that I’ve gained about our bodies, to include them in our spiritual journeys:
- The body has a divine intelligence system that we can access and communicate with.
- The body contains all the wounds, beliefs, pain and residual karmic energy that we have carried from this lifetimes and other lifetimes.
- The way we treat our bodies directly affects our vibration and therefore is not separate from the equation of coming into a place of self-love/ascension/unity.
- The more we align and connect with our bodies coming from a place of allowance and respect, the more effectively we can manifest.
- The body is an integral part of our spiritual journey, and it’s time we stop leaving our bodies behind.
One of the precepts we teach in Trinity Energy Progression is to dissolve all layers of separation, so we can connect into our divine consciousness. This helps us to exist from that place of love and unity. From that space, we create more easily because we’re not bogged down by limited thoughts, old beliefs and wounds we carry. This also involves dissolving the layers of separation with our bodies.
If we perceive the body as separate from our spiritual experience, we exclude our body as part of the journey and our divinity. The body shows us where we are limited by feelings of fear, unworthiness, guilt, shame, anger etc. Our awareness of emotions in the body actually assists us to connect with our denser energies. Then we can bring more easily bring in them into love and union.
We are all part of the whole spiritual experience, including our body and mind. When we can come into a place of acceptance of all of our parts, we can feel more whole, including the body, mind and spirit.
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
When we talk about manifestation, we often forget to include the heart in the process. In our culture we rely heavily on expectations. Expectation can come from ego and can hinder the fruition of our manifesting. When we remember to include our hearts, unexpected ripples continue to fan out in surprising ways.
Recently I dreamed that I was at a conference and was to give a talk on “Using Technology to Deliver Information and Services.” (Note: Before retiring 7 years ago, I had a 30-year career in information technology and often presented at technology conferences.) When I got to the podium, I realized that I had lost my notes, but even worse, I had also completely forgotten what I was going to say.
Looking out over the packed audience and seeing them waiting for me to speak, I began speaking from my heart in lieu of whatever it was from my lost notes/mind that I had planned to say.
I couldn’t remember anything that I said. I felt like I was speaking simultaneously in different “languages”, as well as saying something different in each language. I only knew I was finished when I was silent.
To my complete surprise, the sound of enthusiastic clapping erupted from the audience! Afterwards, people kept coming up to me to say how much they had gotten from what I had said, just what they needed to hear. This was extremely confusing to me because I did not know what it was I had even said. I had certainly not lived up to my own expectations of myself, much less what I though the audience would have expected based on the title of my presentation. It was as if my heart had spoken instead, different both in language and content, for each member of the audience.
While speaking from my heart, I had manifested what each person needed and was ready to hear. Because I had lost/forgotten my notes, I was able to remember how to manifest something in myself without expectations, and also in the individuals in the audience. My experience in this dream allowed me to see manifestation differently, especially in manifesting for myself as well as for others, and doing so without expectation.
Imagine how the artist manifests their own vision of the art they create, and how the viewer/receiver of that art manifests their own vision of the artist’s creation. this is similar to when I skip a stone across a pond, I am manifesting that experience, but I do not have an expectation as to how many times it will skip before it sinks. But when it does sink, it will manifest a series of ripples spreading out from where the stone sank. So, too, the artist’s creation continues to manifest as it affects one person after another.
In manifesting without expectation, a connection is formed as one manifestation begets another. A manifestation does not end when we “get” what we manifested, but continues to ripple outward, creating and raising our collective vibrational frequency. From my dream, I realized that manifesting is creating rather than expecting, and we are all infinite manifestors.
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitiator/Practitioner
I’ve written before about selecting a word that will represent your upcoming year. However, with it being the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019, it felt like the right time to mention it again. I hope you take the time to select a word for yourself, and to reflect upon it often. I tend to find that the actual selection process takes no time at all. I simply ask what my word should be and almost before I’ve finished asking the question the chosen word appears in my mind. My word for 2019? Inspiration.
I was somewhat surprised because this isn’t a word I use often. Sure, I might say I was inspired by something or even that someone was inspiring, but the word inspiration? No. I rarely use it. Inspiration though perfectly captures that feeling that I’ve felt when thinking about all that will happen in 2019. My 2019 calendar is relatively empty thus far, but 2019 feels like it is going to be a big year. You know what I mean?
I can already feel the changes beginning to take place and I’m excited, exhilarated, and truthfully a little scared too. Inspiration thus reminds me to both seek inspiration in all things big and small from the world around me, and also to be an inspiration to others. It challenges me to be the best version of me yet and I’m excited to get started.
I realize that with all the hustle and bustle of the holidays, it can be difficult to find time to be alone, much less to think about anything other than all the things you still need to get done, but I think if you take the time to try this exercise you’ll find it richly rewarding. Need some added incentive? This year we are experiencing a new moon on January 5, 2019.
New moons are a perfect time to manifest any changes you want to see – even if your life is so wonderful and full that you only want more of what you already have! What a great time to embody all of what your word for 2019 has to represent. So my wish for you is that you create a space for yourself to discover your own personal word for 2019, and that it helps you immensely in your journey. Bon voyage!