Moving Through Grief in Observance
Grief. The word itself just feels heavy and bleak. So, it was no surprise to me when I looked up the definition that its root originates from the Latin word “gravare,” meaning “burden,” which is a derivative of “gravis,” meaning “heavy.” Think of gravity. It keeps us bound to the Earth. It weighs us down. So does grief.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross defined five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. While one might move through the stages in random order and even revisit levels, the goal is Acceptance. One thing to point out is that acceptance does not necessarily mean that you are okay with the loss; it means that you recognize the new reality of living in this world without that person or thing you have lost.
At first glance, one might think that grief in a higher state of consciousness is unnecessary. After all, what is there to grieve? Aren’t we all Spirit choosing to have a human/physical experience here on Earth? Energy is neither created or destroyed and the consciousness of a person does not die upon physical death! Further, if one is on the path of spiritual enlightenment, being in a state of grief is a lower energy vibration! Shouldn’t we avoid that? In “Power vs Force,” David R. Hawkins establishes a hierarchy of levels of human consciousness, with Enlightenment the goal. Grief falls below Fear! Think about that. Grief falls below the level that most humans are operating from. Therefore, I have been struggling with how to deal with the very human feelings brought forward through grief, all of which fall in the lower energy vibrations.
Grief has many levels and many faces, and how a person deals with grief is very personal. In the past six months, I have suffered three different losses—my job, my mother, and my beloved cat, Lucas. And each of these losses has produced very different grief responses. We can even talk about the Circle of Life, and how loss is necessary. We can say that my mother is in a better place, and that my cat is no longer suffering. But this hurts like hell. It is clear to me that there are no coincidences and that absolutely everything happens in the way it is supposed to (even if it does not seem that way at first).
There has been the comment that I seem to be grieving more for my cat than I did for my mother. And this brings to me to the other part of grief—judgment. No one really knows the depths of another person’s grief. You cannot always tell from the number of tears shed in public.
When I lost my job, I was sitting in the Anger phase for a few months and then my mother suddenly died. Her death was a shock, but I also knew this was what she wanted. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief, for her and for me. But I kept thinking of the “What Ifs” and “If Onlys”; things could have been, should have been, better. A few days after her burial, I found out that my cat Lucas was suffering from tongue cancer. That brave kitty went through two months of vet visits, force feedings, appetite stimulants, antibiotics, steroids, and pain medications until I finally understood that he was ready to go. That brought me to my knees. You see, Lucas has always been a constant and unending source of pure unconditional love for me. But I realize Lucas gave me another gift upon dying; his death has forced me to deal with the long-buried sorrow related to my mother. I do not grieve that she has left this earthly plane. My grief is sourced at a primal level, the sorrow of a little girl that will never have the nurturing, loving mother she always wanted. I got the angry, sarcastic, “take no prisoners” warrior mother. But this is where I learned to be strong and stand up for myself. I am proud of the gifts that she gave to me, even if the delivery was painful. Losing Lucas opened the gates to reach that deeply buried pain. And while it may be selfish to focus on my grief, I think that is exactly what is required unless I want to be stuck at this level.
I conclude that grief and all the associated emotions, whether they be lower energy vibrations, must be acknowledged and felt in order to move forward. For every “dark night of the soul” that I have lived has resulted in a gift. I remind myself of this daily. There is a light around the corner.
Joy Leffingwell
Trinity Energy Progression Practitioner/Facilitator
Going Within to the Source of All Things
A few years back I had a vivid dream. Though it wasn’t lucid, I had a moment when I knew I was dreaming and realized I was somewhere “real.” I floated in a plasma like atmosphere. It was quiet. Filtering through the space, a soft light glowed around the edges of shapes and from the colors of the “atmosphere.”
Nebula and galaxies in space. Elements of this image furnished by NASA.
The planes of the ground, horizon and sky all vibrated iridescent of purple, blue-magenta and some red-pink tones. There were shapes that looked like rocks. Other objects that painted the landscape but I do not recall and of course I did not think to write it down after the dream occurred. I thought at the time that it was such a vivid and life transforming experience that I would remember all the details.
While those details have faded, I’m left with awestruck feeling of being somewhere out of this world. I felt as if I were Hubble’s telescope, where the lens would view. In the dream, I thought that I had arrived at this place by traveling outward and going ‘up’ high and great distance away. I thought of the location like, if one left Earth, this place would be way out in the galaxy somewhere. That is the impression I have had all along until a few days ago.
Dreams can be attention getters. They have that essence of familiarity from this existence, however small, but hyperbolized, painted with sparkles and consist of super-hero like attributes. On top of that a hefty handful of quantum stew elements, marinated in all the effects that Hollywood, Disney, NASA, and Tesla combined could possibly muster, set the stage for our dreams.
While in a vivid dream state, it may seem like, yes, this is the way it is, this is truth. But coming back and waking up and revisiting it with the 3D lens, it makes no sense. It is magical, mystical, and hopeful, but as well is also confusing and leaves one in a state of understanding that there is so much more to ALL of this that must be explored.
But back to a few days ago, when the where that I was, was turned inside out. For some reason, I am on a super-hero kick as I am watching Netflix and clicking on the “Guardians of the Galaxy,” “The Avengers,” and “Ant-Man and the Wasp.” Ant-Man is unique in that he can get very, very small. Quantum level small. A small world he collapsed into was déjà vu to the vivid dream I described earlier.
Upon seeing this and connecting it to that dream, a knowing bell rang inside of me. It occurred to me that my assumption of going out and far may not have been so. When in deep water, up and down can easily get confused. Balance and equilibrium can feel off and we become challenged to orient ourselves. It seems possible that traveling outward and inward have that same phenomena. I may not have gone out to Hubble’s eyesight at all, but instead traveled inwards with the lens of a quantum microscope.
In a sense, that feels right. My sense of orientation was off, and I was inward and at the beginning. I was at the place of the building blocks and the source of all things, where it’s all connected and tangled to all that is. It is a place to go to make adjustments when things run amok on this larger than life stage. Whether it be a health issue, or a seemingly out of control situation, or an engine on the fritz, this is THE PLACE to be to fine tune at the core and heal and resolve.
The greatest part of this whole exploration, is that it came around full circle to home, where we’ve all been and where we go often when meditating or tapping into healing practices like Trinity. I cannot wait to go back in with all senses and more. Now I remember how once again. It is a funny sort of remembering to remember, remember: We’re almost there, remembering this kind of thing.
Speaking of remembering, where I’m going with all of this is a reminder to us. A reminder to take the time to practice going within and connecting to all there is. Figuratively intend to pull some weeds and plant some trees and hug one while you’re there at the root source, so that love and good continues to be reflected up high and all over the place near and far. It is all connected. It’s all good. We are love and all that jazz.
Namaste,
Dee Jones
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
A Divine Feminine Pilgrimage Opens My Heart
Sante Baumes
This past January I had the pleasure to walk in the footsteps of the Divine Feminine in Southern France. At the time of my travels it felt too sacred to share my experiences. I had yet to integrate the Energy Shift that happened there and opened my heart.
I felt so blessed to be able to visit this pilgrimage place, where the three Mary’s landed with their little boat in France, after expulsion by persecution from the holy land. They traversed the Mediterranean in a frail boat, and landed in Southern France, at a place called Sainte Maries de la Mer. They also honor Sainte Sara, patron saint of the gypsies, every year.
When I stepped into the Church in Sainte Maries de la Mer, I felt the peaceful Energy right away. Stepping down into the crypt, I saw a statue of Sainte Sara, the Sainte of the Gypsies. I was overcome by a holy presence and felt such gratitude and a light all around. I shivered from the Energy in the room. It was a one of a kind experience.
After we left the church we we ran out of time to go on a Ferry to see the wild horses of the Camargue. I said jokingly to my fellow travelers, “I am not leaving until I see the wild horses!” A minute later, they showed up on the side of the road. Talking about instant manifestation! I stopped the car and we admired the wild horses. I thanked Sainte Sara, as I felt it was she, sending us the horses to see.
There are things in this world that cannot be explained, they have to be felt with an open heart. When we bought souvenirs in a little gift store next to the church, we were all gifted a hand drawn picture and a bracelet of Sainte Sara. It all felt very connected to the Divine Feminine.
Lourdes
On our trip we also visited, the Pope’s Palace in Avignon, then Lourdes. There in the Grotto of Massabielle, where the Virgin Mary appeared to a Young woman in the 1800’s, we collected Holy Water for my healings and house blessings.
The Grotto in Sainte Baumes, on the side of a mountain, where Mary Magdalene supposedly lived for thirty years in the cave, had an amazing hike up and view. Interestingly, the Church there displayed her skull as a sacred relic. But nothing matched the experience of Sainte Sara. I really connected with her essence and spirit. It was a very sacred journey and lots of divine Energy to integrate. I anchored the light in most holy places where we visited and connected to the grid.
While traveling, we saw the “Yellow Jacket” movement every Saturday. People are protesting and standing up for their rights, and economic justice, in every major city in France. So, we almost got stuck in the middle of a demonstration in Nimes. People are waking up all over the world.
Since arriving back home, I feel another shift in my life, grateful to be alive and to experience the joys and pleasures of life. I had a truly a heart opening experience on this pilgrimage. I’m so grateful to my friend and her daughter to travel to these sacred places together. Because of this, I feel ready to manifest the next adventure with an open heart to connect to all there is.
Claudia Stevens
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
Learning Through Love
Throughout our lives we have been conditioned to believe that the only way learn our life lessons is through pain and suffering. Our belief that it has to hurt creates negative memories, which then become beliefs, all based on perceptions of the illusion. We believe this to the extent that to love and be loved, we must experience suffering and pain. What if we could learn through love?
Often we tend to experience everything that way, then unconsciously feel validated when reality reflects our theory. We externalize this in our culture by making drama glamorous entertainment that we enjoy. Individually and collectively we believe this is the only way… creating more hurt and pain, making those close to us suffer.
What if we believed and actually KNEW that we can learn our lessons through love and not suffering? How about the idea that… consequences can also be loving? Wow! Can you imagine and visualize it?
While we can acknowledge the pain and suffering that exists, we can also learn to change it. I have Trinity Energy Progression to thank for that! As I began my journey within Trinity Energy Progression, I started to embody my divinity. My heart began to open, and I began to perceive reality differently.
With new awareness, I questioned my old concepts and beliefs. In my spiritual practice, I used affirmations focused on creating my reality differently. Believing in the possibility of experiencing lessons though love, I began to experience life differently and underwent huge change. Though these concepts were at first, very far-fetched t me, I began to experience their reality more.
When I first accepted this knowledge, my manifestations in life where showing me something completely different. I was feeling all of the pain and suffering of ego. At the same time I began to clearly identify the duality of love vs. fear. When I could see and observe love, it was in such contrast to the fear I had been experiencing. My observations created an awareness that enabled me to acknowledge fear for what it is. Though I’m still processing all the changes I am going thorough, I realized that I had chosen to the pain I have allowed in my life, because I believed it had to be that way. Now I know and remember that it doesn’t have to be that way at all!
When life experiences and situations pushed me out of my comfort zone, I challenged myself to go within. Guided to flow with the changes, I explored, realized and accepted who I had become. Then I allowed myself to make the changes necessary to do and be different.
I started to allow myself to explore the opportunities and synchronistic experiences that guided me experience love, create peace and bliss, with an open heart. Needless to say, some moments feel like they’re a “taking each breath consciously” kind of experience, due to their intensity. These changes made me feel alive and have opened my heart. I know that my effort in the self-love journey has shifted things, and it’s really starting to manifest in ways that I had never expected.
When I found myself in those lowest, rock bottom moments, the Universe supported and encouraged me through experiences in miraculous ways, both positively and negatively. I realized that there is love in every lesson and the ego can lovingly show me the areas where I still need to look within. To those situations that I perceived as negative, I posed the question, “what is the lesson in unconditional love to self and others?” I saw where I could be more loving toward myself and others. I set the boundaries and the conscious awareness that would allow me to do so.
All of a sudden, I find myself in a position where I have started noticing how the epiphanies and realizations are coming more effortlessly and gracefully. These moments of insight and the love I manifest through others show me an abundance of love, forgiveness, and acceptance. This resonates with the self-love I feel, show myself, and believe that I AM and deserve.
If others are capable of showing it, don’t you feel called to love yourself the same way, so it can be reciprocated? Right? A challenge in itself, huh?
I find it helpful to identify that limiting voice within and question the source. Is it from love or pain? Then I choose to focus on the loving action to take for myself. This allows me to take responsibility for what is mine and allows others to do the same.
Learning lessons through love has been a conscious desire. I practice daily with intention. Self-care, love, dedication and self-celebration are key to practicing this new way of being.
In full vulnerability and trust, I actively decide to be open to the wholeness of experience, allowing the emotions, everything to be as it is. I accept the oneness in every moment, allowing myself to feel and observe it, to perceive all of it within. Opening to awareness, I see what limits and/or expands me to greatness and self-mastery through the love I can accept, to be, give and receive.
I know that I am worthy to be, exist in, feel, receive, give, share and experience the fullness and the greatness of Love as the Source of all.
Yashmin Wall
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
Getting to Know the Notorious Me
I used to be afraid of being “notorious” as I’ve always been a bit different. I wanted to “fit in”, to be known, to be liked. The issue is … I don’t think I’ve felt that way towards myself. Yet I’ve wanted it from outside of me. Except I also didn’t want to be like everyone else. Go figure. 
In other words, I’ve had this contentious and confusing relationship with myself, and I wanted others to approve of me, when I haven’t approved of myself.
I’ve been on a path for a while to get to know myself although the path is a bit different than I had been on. Little did I know how the two were related, per the origins of the word “notorious”:
1540–50; Medieval Latin notorius evident, equivalent to no(scere ) to get to know (see notify) + -torius -tory
I don’t approach life the way most people do. In addition to a more open perspective on life, my brain processes information differently than almost anyone I know, or any of those who know me, know. Makes life interesting. I’ve always felt different, and lately, I’ve been feeling even more so.
More and more I’ve come to accept how I’ve been in life …. identify what comes naturally to me …. choosing what beliefs and perspectives are important to me versus what I thought should be …. choosing where I want to move out of a current comfort zone.
My entire life, I am used to being the one with the vision … the one blazing the trail … the one striking the path …. the one leading the team, whether I meant to or not, it just kind of happens.
For the past few years, I’ve enjoyed living without the need for much external validation.
Nowadays, I usually live more in the present ….. more focused on moving forward versus living from the past … more focused on thriving, joy, laughter ….
Then the past few weeks happened. Lately, I’ve been clearing and purging and processing and shifting and releasing and creating. I’ve been moody, emotional, out of sorts, judgmental, reactive, fearful, angry, resentful, etc. Not all of the time, but way more than I would like to live in and not how I am used to living my life, anymore.
I’m not getting things done when I’ve told others they would, or planned things would be complete. I don’t like this. Even more, I don’t like that I’m seeing this as a pattern in my life, whether there are factors seemingly out of my control or not. Which started me looking at other parts of who I thought I was.
Then, it hit me ….
I FEEL LOST.
I’m starting to see that I haven’t been completely who I, or others, thought I was. Nor, in some cases, is that who I want to be. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, a fake, an imposter …. and that’s the worst. Seeing what I have contorted myself to be, to fit the mold of others.
I see that I’ve been betraying myself, over and over … and then get outraged if someone seemingly does that to me.
I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I really have been. Who has defined who I’m supposed to be? I’ve been living on auto-pilot … which is broken and no longer working for me.
WHO DO I WANT TO BE? What choices am I making? What choices do I want to make?
Because I’m experiencing a LOT of change in my life, I’m also experiencing a sense of overwhelm. I’m being put into a position of having to come face-to-face with the last 20 or so years of my life and well, it’s not all fun. In the process, I’ve been encountering one thing after another which is breaking down, burping, blowing up around me. AWKWARD.
In the midst of organizing tons of papers in boxes going back years and years, I’m coming face to face with what I’ve done and not done. I’m feeling nostalgic, regretful, sometimes proud and pleased. Mostly, UNPLEASANT.
I’ve been consolidating electronic files, merging duplicate files from over the past two decades … External hard drives have been crashing, before files could be pulled off. In the process of recovering what could be, and I got sick, I authorized destroying a hard drive which had been damaged before I checked what came off it. I lost YEARS and years of sole copies of my extensive work product, which I thought defined me. Even though I have some in paper form … SICKENING.
I’m experiencing odd issues with my computer, my phone, and especially my internet. Repeated tech visits, nothing helps. Everything is moving sooooo slow, which is part of what prompted getting the electronic files merged and consolidated. Then, crash. My tires needed to be unexpectedly replaced when one got damaged and went flat. The motor on our ac went out for the 2nd time in 9 years, and we have to pay for the labor. FRUSTRATING.
I’m clearing out a lot of items in my home, redoing walls, etc. Sometimes I’m having a tough time letting go of things, even though I haven’t used something for years, and/or I’m hearing it’s time to let the item move on. I can’t find things I need, such a paper to get a sizable reimbursement. Items I love are breaking. UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’ve been detoxing and working on a metabolic reset. My body is getting healthier, and I’ve been able to start exercising again. My body is starting to reflect a shape again, and this makes my mom happy. I have a wedding for my nephew in June, and the pressure is mounting as it’s not progressing “fast enough” for what I’d like. YIKES.
My primary relationships are shifting. I’m still integrating connecting with members of my birth family (I was adopted) and the unexpected reactions in my (adopted) family members and myself. There are other primary relationships and situations shifting in fundamental ways. STRESSFUL.
I have a number of people in my life, and one in particular, close to me, who are acting as perfect mirrors for behaviors and words about me, that I needed to see in myself. All the ugly, seemingly cruel stuff I am hearing is really just a reflection of the ugly, cruel things I’ve been saying to myself. UGLY.
I’ve been guided to explore unexpected ways of supporting myself financially, on a long-term basis and in a sustainable way. Utilizing some of my natural skills and requiring developing new and emerging skills. I’m interacting with “new” people. PANIC-INDUCING.
A lot of what has worked for me in the past as distractions, doesn’t work anymore. The familiar coping mechanisms no longer work the same way, and primarily no longer work. DISTRESSING.
My usual way of being, what I’m familiar with is being shaken from to the core …. My foundation is being reset, restructured … I don’t have much familiar to fall back on. I’m usually the one with the answers. SCARY.
Everything is taking way longer … takes more effort. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A LOT OF THE TIME, lately. Even in doing this blog, my computer locked up and I had to reboot it, and a number of times I just had to sit and wait for it.
WHAT’S THE POINT IN SHARING ALL THIS? Especially since I rarely ever vent much, let alone publicly, as I don’t need nor desire any sympathy.
I’m feeling LOST. Life is feeling AWKWARD … UNPLEASANT … SICKENING … FRUSTRATING … UNCOMFORTABLE … STRESSFUL …. PANIC-INDUCING … UGLY …. DISTRESSING.
UMMM, YIKES.
I say I want peace in my life, and my life isn’t reflecting this. So, maybe I don’t really want peace. The “committee in my head” starts to gear up for bashing me, my life, my past, my present, my future.
STOP.
Today ….. I have tools to stay in the awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, stressful, distressing, sickening, panic-inducing, ugly, scary … and have it not be more than where I am, in the moment.
I have tools to stay in the present …. and not return to the past, nor project failure into the future.
I have tools to not freeze in the present, just because I’m feeling lots of potentially overwhelming feelings.
Today, I can choose to face the feelings, accept them, acknowledge them, and choose new ones … and if I don’t, that’s okay.
Today, I have the ability to choose. Let’s see who I choose to create.
Run from what’s comfortable.
Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on I’ll be mad.
~ Rumi
Laurel Ley
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
D5 Creation