In every challenging period of my life I have chosen to hunker down, check out and deal with things on my own. It was my belief that there really wasn’t anyone who really wanted to listen to what I was going through. Everyone else had their own struggles. Why would they want to listen to me when I was at my lowest? So I would watch TV to numb myself, isolate myself from all the people who cared about me, complain about how rough I had it and then make believe everything was okay.
Most of the time this would carry me over until the next challenging time, but I would make minimal movement towards really seeing/healing what was causing me so much suffering. It wasn’t until I started practicing Trinity that I realized that those challenging moments were ME showing ME what needed to shift so I could come to remembrance of Authenticity. However, I must admit, I hadn’t really committed to a consistent practice until recently.
I knew what the commitment was in theory but I was always drawn back to my usual way of doing things because it felt comfortable. Actually, taking responsibility and making the time to see what I needed to do for myself seemed like too much effort. Growing up, I was spoon fed how to be a victim and it felt SO GOOD. Blaming someone or something else felt awesome because I didn’t have to step up to the plate. I could just hide behind the hurt and the blame and throw stones from a safe distance.
But here’s the thing: The effort it takes to stay in those old patterns is so much more draining than the effort to take responsibility and shift into courage and acceptance! Yes, some of the things we have to look at are truly uncomfortable for us to acknowledge and witness and feel, but we have a choice in what to do.
All of these aspects of me that I have committed not to run away from are qualities that make me cringe. Pieces of me that I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge for such a long time. Right now I’m seeing the mirrors I have put up for myself everywhere. Everything in our reality can be a mirror for growth, if we choose to look at those pieces reflected back to us. Since we are ultimately ALL One, our reality reflects aspects of ourselves “in the mirror” to look at and grow from. My goodness, have I’ve been giving myself messages!
And now, I have decided to truly listen, be fully aware and bring those parts back to love and acceptance. This process has been so difficult as I’m sure it is for most of us. Every piece of unworthiness has come up for me. Every bit of lack. Every bit of “Not Enough”. Every bit of self-loathing. In every situation I have set up, there’s a reflection! There are moments when it feels like that’s all I am, these “less than” pieces. I think, “Will I ever fully remember my Authentic Divine Self? I’m so broken, what’s the use? How will I ever be everything I was created to be when I have so much to undo?”
In the past, I would have given up. I would have manifested an illness so I had the inarguable excuse to check out and hunker down. Chosen something to numb my feelings of unworthiness and fear, isolated myself because I would believe, “Who would love someone so broken and weak?” and hoped it would turn around. Starting to repeat the old patterns of “victim extraordinaire”… this time I knew I had to choose differently. This time, I would not give up on my commitment to wholeness! Even though changing my pattern felt unbearable at times, in choosing to honor me, I remembered the understanding which gave me the perspective to continue and not give up.
Yes, the aspects of lack and separation are reflections of me. Every one of those aspects that I keep becoming aware of are ME, AND so are the aspects of love, compassion, and wisdom, etc., that I witness in others. When I look at another and see courage, creativity, trust, wisdom, joy, unconditional love, passion, that’s ME too!
My only focus doesn’t have to be on the parts that have to be brought back to wholeness. In those moments of despair, one very important thing I can do is look to the vast messages about the DIVINE ME all around. I truly hadn’t seen it that way. When I’m experiencing feelings of separation and lack, if my perspective of someone I admire is that they are everything I am not, this just propels me further into the spiral of despair.
To do it differently, when I feel that fear, doubt, judgement, etc., is what I truly am, what I need to do is look at the mirrors reflecting the Authentic Me, ALL of it! I will not be able to deny the Truth. This will allow me to get past the illusion of separateness long enough for me to continue on the process of forgiveness and acceptance, until I can come back to Wholeness.
In those periods of fear and defeat, I will remind myself that these are just moments leading me to Truth. I will remember to see my true nature of Oneness reflected in others and in situations, just as I see the pieces that are reflecting separation. When I see something in another which I feel I lack, I will remind myself that it’s already within me, for we are all One. I will take courage from the qualities of Oneness I witness and continue allowing and accepting the pieces of separation without so much fear and struggle.
And when I feel the struggle is too much and I want to retreat to old beliefs and patterns, I will reach out to the beautiful soul tribe of which I am a part for support, wisdom, love, perspective, etc., until I feel those same qualities within me again. For it is in those moments that I have to remember I can draw strength from all the wonderful people that surround me. No more hiding who I am or isolation. No more procrastination. The commitment to Wholeness is the path I choose and there’s no way I’m going to make it all the way through if I continue to choose the patterns that no longer serve me. Choose differently. Seek a different perspective. Choose a different action. Think differently. Is this super uncomfortable? YES! But the alternative will not lead me back to ME. The old pattern shows me I am just waiting for me to come home.
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
Many of us lack self-love, because we don’t attend to our wounds. We all have them. Some wounds are so intense they become traumatic, sometimes relegated to becoming a dark secret that we don’t want to look at, not to mention even talk about in our society. What if they are crying out for our acceptance, and to be loved so we can heal?
Culturally we are afraid of wounds. Afraid that they will define us, afraid they make us “less than”, afraid of the judgements of others. We’re afraid of drudging up sad memories, afraid that if we deal with them, we’ll become overwhelmed, stuck in depression, afraid that we’ll never heal. Such conditioning lends itself to the problem that we don’t love ourselves.
And it’s true, if we don’t look at them, we will never heal. If we don’t include the wound as a part of the whole that we are, we’ll never know our true potential. Largely we also don’t love ourselves in our culture. As Jelualudin Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” How could this be?
This quote hounded my thoughts like an intriguing mystery or befuddling koan. Many years into my healing journey, I purchased a bracelet with Rumi’s quote engraved upon it. I pondered it when old torments visited my mind, and where I felt these wounds – in my heart.
Thus I began to stalk my heart as if she were a white-tailed doe I wanted to befriend. When she was shy, I just sat with her, observing. Sometimes I waited and she didn’t show up, unsure that I would really be there. Eventually, I noticed how my heart felt interacting with different people. I could see when she was open, and when she was closed. I took extra care when my heart felt tender. Like leaving corn out for deer, I began feeding my heart more experiences that made her sing. Soon, she felt that acceptance and showed up with a family of old wounds that needed tending to, shyly asking for more.
The wounding in my heart taught me how to be kind to myself, how to love myself. Because I allowed myself to follow the threads of inspiration, things that I loved, my heart burst wide open. I spent untold amounts of time in nature, and continue to do so. Instead of dwelling on loneliness, I learned to accept it, and now love the time I spend alone. Meanwhile, I took myself as a lover. I studied ancient and new spiritual practices.
Throughout my journey, I learned that the more I shared what I had perceived to be “dark secrets” with others, the more I found our common humanity. By accepting my own wounding with unconditional love, I can learn to be present for that in others. Because I learned to lovingly be with my darkness, my heart has become lighter, fuller. By embracing my wounds with love, I learned to “let the light enter” after all.
Colleen Kendrick, Trinity Energy Practitioner
Have you ever considered if the universe is delivering exactly what you’re asking for but you’re not recognizing it? What if it is delivering exactly what you asked for, right now?
This isn’t about the “law of attraction”.
This is about …. What if the universe is delivering everything you want, or the way to get there, and you don’t accept it because it doesn’t look the way you expected?
I’ve been having a number of discussions lately about just this concept referencing the modern parable about the man who dies, ends up at the pearly gates, and asks St. Peter why he wasn’t saved. As it goes:
There is widespread flooding going on. A man dies after going all the way up to his roof during the rains, and he drowns. He ends up at the pearly gates and asks St. Peter, “Why, why wasn’t I saved? I asked over and over for help, and none came.”
St. Peter responds with, “You were sent help, you didn’t accept any of it. When the rains first started, we sent you a rowboat; but you turned it away. As the waters continued to rise, we sent you a motorboat, and you also turned it away. Finally, when you were on the roof, and there was one last chance to save you, you turned away the helicopter we sent. Each time you said that God would save you. My child, it was God who sent you the rowboat, the motorboat, and then the helicopter.”
There have been numerous times in my life when I’ve been waiting and looking for the rowboat, the motorboat, and even the helicopter …. and I missed the lovely sail boat sent my way.
I’ve been a student of life as long as I can remember. I’ve heard the concepts of “plan plans, not outcomes” and “pry your fingers off the steering wheel of life.” I haven’t really gotten it until just recently.
I found myself once again asking for direction to my path in life as well as support to a thriving life, including both health and financial. Within 24 to 36 hours I got my answer, yet it didn’t look like I expected. I wanted a few signs; I got them. I mean … I REALLY GOT SIGNS WHICH WERE VERY CLEAR as they were signs that are meaningful and distinct to me. ROTFL, I still was a bit questioning.
FINALLY …. click went the light and I now see the sailboat!
What I most love about all of this is that I have come to a place in life where I thought I was trusting as life unfolds, except it seems when it doesn’t look like I expected. If I’m kicking and screaming and upset, that is not living in the present, seeing and accepting the gifts which are being offered to me all along my path. This is now the graduate level course of life ….
Am willing to trust, am willing to live in faith …. even when things come to me in different ways than I thought? Can I have inner peace when I’m being challenged outside of my comfort zone? Can I trust when life is feeling unfamiliar? Will I allow myself the pleasures of trust, ease, and inner peace?
So, am I ready to see my sailboat? I’ve found I’m ready when I’m ready, no sooner.
Yep, not only am I ready for the sailboat, I am ready to let my dreams set sail. I am now on the sailboat life sent me …. feeling the wind and the mist from the waves as they embrace my body.
We must let go of the life we have planned,
so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
~ Joseph Campbell
Anyone else? Who’s ready and willing to come sailing with me?
I am a dog person and have loved having dogs as pets since I was a child. They are always ready and waiting with wagging tails to be petted. I used to have a lot of peeves as pets, too, that were also always ready and waiting for me to pet them — anywhere, anytime! And they were an ever growing pack of peeves. I remember often saying: “That is one of my pet peeves.”
My peeves were there for me to pet in the car while I was driving. For example:
- Tailgaters when you’re going faster than the speed limit, or those really slow drivers in the fast lane;
- Turn signals on the car in front of you staying on FOREVER (or drivers who don’t use a turn signal at all);
- Litterers who throw trash from their car window as they drive.
My peeves were with me when I went to the movies and restaurants and shopping:
- Squashed cigarette butts outside of entry doors into a building (because no smoking allowed inside??);
- Parents bringing their pre-schoolers to R-rated movies (because they are too young to understand??);
- People repeatedly hitting the elevator button (to make the elevator arrive sooner??);
- Making a sucking noise with a straw to get that very last drop (or all those drops after the very last drop??);
- Drivers parking their cars across 2 parking spaces (for those needing more personal space for their beloved vehicle??);
- Wobbly tables at restaurants (to keep you moving until you leave??);
- Movie talkers, or super noisy eaters during a movie (food, friends, entertainment – what a great socializing opportunity??).
Of course, they lived with me at home, too:
- Coming home to a house smelling like trash that should have been taken out yesterday;
- A topless toothpaste tube now full of dried toothpaste;
- No extra roll of toilet paper in the bathroom;
- An empty carton in the refrigerator…
I’ll stop this particular list now as I do live by myself 🙂
As Trinity Energy Progression became more and more a part of my life, I began to ask myself what was I willing or able to do to actually stop these pesky peeves from being my constant companions. I could never see myself actually hurling an angry admonition into a movie theater audience for someone a few rows away to eat more quietly or to stop their endless talking. But that is exactly what I was doing in my head as I succumbed to the peeves’ demands to be petted without it having any effect on actually stopping their unwanted behavior.
Peeve petting was an instantaneous way to annoy myself without really trying by just looking around me. I rarely missed an opportunity to pick up stray peeves. There were so many of them that were just begging to be petted, ALL the time! Through my Trinity practice, I began to explore why I would ever want to annoy myself with this and why I continued to pick up even more peeves to pet. I realized how petting peeves could obsess me to the extent that they would become a primary focus and distraction, with me often sharing my thoughts about the annoying peeve with whomever was within earshot. I see the peeves as my ego’s pets; my ego loves this “petting.” My ego also loves “peeving” contests where “my peeve is better than yours” or having more peeves than someone else, as well as the superiority my ego feels by only petting the peeve rather than being the peeve.
Now, when I see a peeve looming in front of me or when someone comments that something is a pet peeve of theirs, my head fills with laughter at the thought of a peeve as my pet nipping at my heels and barking incessantly to get my attention so I will pet it. With the focus of Trinity Energy Progression on unconditional love and joy, I couldn’t help but see how my dogs as pets have always been “adorable bundles” (in various sizes) of unconditional love and joy. Although peeves come in many shapes and sizes as well, I see them all as rather “unadorable bundles” of judgment and negativity. I see petting them as expressions of this negativity and judgment by me as the peeve petter.
These days, I laugh at myself at even the idea of choosing to be a peeve petter instead of enjoying petting my unconditionally loving tail-wagging dog. Trinity Energy Progression has helped me remember to choose this simple joy instead of petting peeves. With a smile on my face, I am now going to pet my dog!
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner