Throughout our lives we have been conditioned to believe that the only way learn our life lessons is through pain and suffering. Our belief that it has to hurt creates negative memories, which then become beliefs, all based on perceptions of the illusion. We believe this to the extent that to love and be loved, we must experience suffering and pain. What if we could learn through love?
Often we tend to experience everything that way, then unconsciously feel validated when reality reflects our theory. We externalize this in our culture by making drama glamorous entertainment that we enjoy. Individually and collectively we believe this is the only way… creating more hurt and pain, making those close to us suffer.
What if we believed and actually KNEW that we can learn our lessons through love and not suffering? How about the idea that… consequences can also be loving? Wow! Can you imagine and visualize it?
While we can acknowledge the pain and suffering that exists, we can also learn to change it. I have Trinity Energy Progression to thank for that! As I began my journey within Trinity Energy Progression, I started to embody my divinity. My heart began to open, and I began to perceive reality differently.
With new awareness, I questioned my old concepts and beliefs. In my spiritual practice, I used affirmations focused on creating my reality differently. Believing in the possibility of experiencing lessons though love, I began to experience life differently and underwent huge change. Though these concepts were at first, very far-fetched t me, I began to experience their reality more.
When I first accepted this knowledge, my manifestations in life where showing me something completely different. I was feeling all of the pain and suffering of ego. At the same time I began to clearly identify the duality of love vs. fear. When I could see and observe love, it was in such contrast to the fear I had been experiencing. My observations created an awareness that enabled me to acknowledge fear for what it is. Though I’m still processing all the changes I am going thorough, I realized that I had chosen to the pain I have allowed in my life, because I believed it had to be that way. Now I know and remember that it doesn’t have to be that way at all!
When life experiences and situations pushed me out of my comfort zone, I challenged myself to go within. Guided to flow with the changes, I explored, realized and accepted who I had become. Then I allowed myself to make the changes necessary to do and be different.
I started to allow myself to explore the opportunities and synchronistic experiences that guided me experience love, create peace and bliss, with an open heart. Needless to say, some moments feel like they’re a “taking each breath consciously” kind of experience, due to their intensity. These changes made me feel alive and have opened my heart. I know that my effort in the self-love journey has shifted things, and it’s really starting to manifest in ways that I had never expected.
When I found myself in those lowest, rock bottom moments, the Universe supported and encouraged me through experiences in miraculous ways, both positively and negatively. I realized that there is love in every lesson and the ego can lovingly show me the areas where I still need to look within. To those situations that I perceived as negative, I posed the question, “what is the lesson in unconditional love to self and others?” I saw where I could be more loving toward myself and others. I set the boundaries and the conscious awareness that would allow me to do so.
All of a sudden, I find myself in a position where I have started noticing how the epiphanies and realizations are coming more effortlessly and gracefully. These moments of insight and the love I manifest through others show me an abundance of love, forgiveness, and acceptance. This resonates with the self-love I feel, show myself, and believe that I AM and deserve.
If others are capable of showing it, don’t you feel called to love yourself the same way, so it can be reciprocated? Right? A challenge in itself, huh?
I find it helpful to identify that limiting voice within and question the source. Is it from love or pain? Then I choose to focus on the loving action to take for myself. This allows me to take responsibility for what is mine and allows others to do the same.
Learning lessons through love has been a conscious desire. I practice daily with intention. Self-care, love, dedication and self-celebration are key to practicing this new way of being.
In full vulnerability and trust, I actively decide to be open to the wholeness of experience, allowing the emotions, everything to be as it is. I accept the oneness in every moment, allowing myself to feel and observe it, to perceive all of it within. Opening to awareness, I see what limits and/or expands me to greatness and self-mastery through the love I can accept, to be, give and receive.
I know that I am worthy to be, exist in, feel, receive, give, share and experience the fullness and the greatness of Love as the Source of all.
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
I used to be afraid of being “notorious” as I’ve always been a bit different. I wanted to “fit in”, to be known, to be liked. The issue is … I don’t think I’ve felt that way towards myself. Yet I’ve wanted it from outside of me. Except I also didn’t want to be like everyone else. Go figure.
In other words, I’ve had this contentious and confusing relationship with myself, and I wanted others to approve of me, when I haven’t approved of myself.
I’ve been on a path for a while to get to know myself although the path is a bit different than I had been on. Little did I know how the two were related, per the origins of the word “notorious”:
1540–50; Medieval Latin notorius evident, equivalent to no(scere ) to get to know (see notify) + -torius -tory
I don’t approach life the way most people do. In addition to a more open perspective on life, my brain processes information differently than almost anyone I know, or any of those who know me, know. Makes life interesting. I’ve always felt different, and lately, I’ve been feeling even more so.
More and more I’ve come to accept how I’ve been in life …. identify what comes naturally to me …. choosing what beliefs and perspectives are important to me versus what I thought should be …. choosing where I want to move out of a current comfort zone.
My entire life, I am used to being the one with the vision … the one blazing the trail … the one striking the path …. the one leading the team, whether I meant to or not, it just kind of happens.
For the past few years, I’ve enjoyed living without the need for much external validation.
Nowadays, I usually live more in the present ….. more focused on moving forward versus living from the past … more focused on thriving, joy, laughter ….
Then the past few weeks happened. Lately, I’ve been clearing and purging and processing and shifting and releasing and creating. I’ve been moody, emotional, out of sorts, judgmental, reactive, fearful, angry, resentful, etc. Not all of the time, but way more than I would like to live in and not how I am used to living my life, anymore.
I’m not getting things done when I’ve told others they would, or planned things would be complete. I don’t like this. Even more, I don’t like that I’m seeing this as a pattern in my life, whether there are factors seemingly out of my control or not. Which started me looking at other parts of who I thought I was.
Then, it hit me ….
I FEEL LOST.
I’m starting to see that I haven’t been completely who I, or others, thought I was. Nor, in some cases, is that who I want to be. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, a fake, an imposter …. and that’s the worst. Seeing what I have contorted myself to be, to fit the mold of others.
I see that I’ve been betraying myself, over and over … and then get outraged if someone seemingly does that to me.
I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I really have been. Who has defined who I’m supposed to be? I’ve been living on auto-pilot … which is broken and no longer working for me.
WHO DO I WANT TO BE? What choices am I making? What choices do I want to make?
Because I’m experiencing a LOT of change in my life, I’m also experiencing a sense of overwhelm. I’m being put into a position of having to come face-to-face with the last 20 or so years of my life and well, it’s not all fun. In the process, I’ve been encountering one thing after another which is breaking down, burping, blowing up around me. AWKWARD.
In the midst of organizing tons of papers in boxes going back years and years, I’m coming face to face with what I’ve done and not done. I’m feeling nostalgic, regretful, sometimes proud and pleased. Mostly, UNPLEASANT.
I’ve been consolidating electronic files, merging duplicate files from over the past two decades … External hard drives have been crashing, before files could be pulled off. In the process of recovering what could be, and I got sick, I authorized destroying a hard drive which had been damaged before I checked what came off it. I lost YEARS and years of sole copies of my extensive work product, which I thought defined me. Even though I have some in paper form … SICKENING.
I’m experiencing odd issues with my computer, my phone, and especially my internet. Repeated tech visits, nothing helps. Everything is moving sooooo slow, which is part of what prompted getting the electronic files merged and consolidated. Then, crash. My tires needed to be unexpectedly replaced when one got damaged and went flat. The motor on our ac went out for the 2nd time in 9 years, and we have to pay for the labor. FRUSTRATING.
I’m clearing out a lot of items in my home, redoing walls, etc. Sometimes I’m having a tough time letting go of things, even though I haven’t used something for years, and/or I’m hearing it’s time to let the item move on. I can’t find things I need, such a paper to get a sizable reimbursement. Items I love are breaking. UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’ve been detoxing and working on a metabolic reset. My body is getting healthier, and I’ve been able to start exercising again. My body is starting to reflect a shape again, and this makes my mom happy. I have a wedding for my nephew in June, and the pressure is mounting as it’s not progressing “fast enough” for what I’d like. YIKES.
My primary relationships are shifting. I’m still integrating connecting with members of my birth family (I was adopted) and the unexpected reactions in my (adopted) family members and myself. There are other primary relationships and situations shifting in fundamental ways. STRESSFUL.
I have a number of people in my life, and one in particular, close to me, who are acting as perfect mirrors for behaviors and words about me, that I needed to see in myself. All the ugly, seemingly cruel stuff I am hearing is really just a reflection of the ugly, cruel things I’ve been saying to myself. UGLY.
I’ve been guided to explore unexpected ways of supporting myself financially, on a long-term basis and in a sustainable way. Utilizing some of my natural skills and requiring developing new and emerging skills. I’m interacting with “new” people. PANIC-INDUCING.
A lot of what has worked for me in the past as distractions, doesn’t work anymore. The familiar coping mechanisms no longer work the same way, and primarily no longer work. DISTRESSING.
My usual way of being, what I’m familiar with is being shaken from to the core …. My foundation is being reset, restructured … I don’t have much familiar to fall back on. I’m usually the one with the answers. SCARY.
Everything is taking way longer … takes more effort. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A LOT OF THE TIME, lately. Even in doing this blog, my computer locked up and I had to reboot it, and a number of times I just had to sit and wait for it.
WHAT’S THE POINT IN SHARING ALL THIS? Especially since I rarely ever vent much, let alone publicly, as I don’t need nor desire any sympathy.
I’m feeling LOST. Life is feeling AWKWARD … UNPLEASANT … SICKENING … FRUSTRATING … UNCOMFORTABLE … STRESSFUL …. PANIC-INDUCING … UGLY …. DISTRESSING.
I say I want peace in my life, and my life isn’t reflecting this. So, maybe I don’t really want peace. The “committee in my head” starts to gear up for bashing me, my life, my past, my present, my future.
Today ….. I have tools to stay in the awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, stressful, distressing, sickening, panic-inducing, ugly, scary … and have it not be more than where I am, in the moment.
I have tools to stay in the present …. and not return to the past, nor project failure into the future.
I have tools to not freeze in the present, just because I’m feeling lots of potentially overwhelming feelings.
Today, I can choose to face the feelings, accept them, acknowledge them, and choose new ones … and if I don’t, that’s okay.
Today, I have the ability to choose. Let’s see who I choose to create.
Run from what’s comfortable.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on I’ll be mad.
In every challenging period of my life I have chosen to hunker down, check out and deal with things on my own. It was my belief that there really wasn’t anyone who really wanted to listen to what I was going through. Everyone else had their own struggles. Why would they want to listen to me when I was at my lowest? So I would watch TV to numb myself, isolate myself from all the people who cared about me, complain about how rough I had it and then make believe everything was okay.
Most of the time this would carry me over until the next challenging time, but I would make minimal movement towards really seeing/healing what was causing me so much suffering. It wasn’t until I started practicing Trinity that I realized that those challenging moments were ME showing ME what needed to shift so I could come to remembrance of Authenticity. However, I must admit, I hadn’t really committed to a consistent practice until recently.
I knew what the commitment was in theory but I was always drawn back to my usual way of doing things because it felt comfortable. Actually, taking responsibility and making the time to see what I needed to do for myself seemed like too much effort. Growing up, I was spoon fed how to be a victim and it felt SO GOOD. Blaming someone or something else felt awesome because I didn’t have to step up to the plate. I could just hide behind the hurt and the blame and throw stones from a safe distance.
But here’s the thing: The effort it takes to stay in those old patterns is so much more draining than the effort to take responsibility and shift into courage and acceptance! Yes, some of the things we have to look at are truly uncomfortable for us to acknowledge and witness and feel, but we have a choice in what to do.
All of these aspects of me that I have committed not to run away from are qualities that make me cringe. Pieces of me that I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge for such a long time. Right now I’m seeing the mirrors I have put up for myself everywhere. Everything in our reality can be a mirror for growth, if we choose to look at those pieces reflected back to us. Since we are ultimately ALL One, our reality reflects aspects of ourselves “in the mirror” to look at and grow from. My goodness, have I’ve been giving myself messages!
And now, I have decided to truly listen, be fully aware and bring those parts back to love and acceptance. This process has been so difficult as I’m sure it is for most of us. Every piece of unworthiness has come up for me. Every bit of lack. Every bit of “Not Enough”. Every bit of self-loathing. In every situation I have set up, there’s a reflection! There are moments when it feels like that’s all I am, these “less than” pieces. I think, “Will I ever fully remember my Authentic Divine Self? I’m so broken, what’s the use? How will I ever be everything I was created to be when I have so much to undo?”
In the past, I would have given up. I would have manifested an illness so I had the inarguable excuse to check out and hunker down. Chosen something to numb my feelings of unworthiness and fear, isolated myself because I would believe, “Who would love someone so broken and weak?” and hoped it would turn around. Starting to repeat the old patterns of “victim extraordinaire”… this time I knew I had to choose differently. This time, I would not give up on my commitment to wholeness! Even though changing my pattern felt unbearable at times, in choosing to honor me, I remembered the understanding which gave me the perspective to continue and not give up.
Yes, the aspects of lack and separation are reflections of me. Every one of those aspects that I keep becoming aware of are ME, AND so are the aspects of love, compassion, and wisdom, etc., that I witness in others. When I look at another and see courage, creativity, trust, wisdom, joy, unconditional love, passion, that’s ME too!
My only focus doesn’t have to be on the parts that have to be brought back to wholeness. In those moments of despair, one very important thing I can do is look to the vast messages about the DIVINE ME all around. I truly hadn’t seen it that way. When I’m experiencing feelings of separation and lack, if my perspective of someone I admire is that they are everything I am not, this just propels me further into the spiral of despair.
To do it differently, when I feel that fear, doubt, judgement, etc., is what I truly am, what I need to do is look at the mirrors reflecting the Authentic Me, ALL of it! I will not be able to deny the Truth. This will allow me to get past the illusion of separateness long enough for me to continue on the process of forgiveness and acceptance, until I can come back to Wholeness.
In those periods of fear and defeat, I will remind myself that these are just moments leading me to Truth. I will remember to see my true nature of Oneness reflected in others and in situations, just as I see the pieces that are reflecting separation. When I see something in another which I feel I lack, I will remind myself that it’s already within me, for we are all One. I will take courage from the qualities of Oneness I witness and continue allowing and accepting the pieces of separation without so much fear and struggle.
And when I feel the struggle is too much and I want to retreat to old beliefs and patterns, I will reach out to the beautiful soul tribe of which I am a part for support, wisdom, love, perspective, etc., until I feel those same qualities within me again. For it is in those moments that I have to remember I can draw strength from all the wonderful people that surround me. No more hiding who I am or isolation. No more procrastination. The commitment to Wholeness is the path I choose and there’s no way I’m going to make it all the way through if I continue to choose the patterns that no longer serve me. Choose differently. Seek a different perspective. Choose a different action. Think differently. Is this super uncomfortable? YES! But the alternative will not lead me back to ME. The old pattern shows me I am just waiting for me to come home.
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
Many of us lack self-love, because we don’t attend to our wounds. We all have them. Some wounds are so intense they become traumatic, sometimes relegated to becoming a dark secret that we don’t want to look at, not to mention even talk about in our society. What if they are crying out for our acceptance, and to be loved so we can heal?
Culturally we are afraid of wounds. Afraid that they will define us, afraid they make us “less than”, afraid of the judgements of others. We’re afraid of drudging up sad memories, afraid that if we deal with them, we’ll become overwhelmed, stuck in depression, afraid that we’ll never heal. Such conditioning lends itself to the problem that we don’t love ourselves.
And it’s true, if we don’t look at them, we will never heal. If we don’t include the wound as a part of the whole that we are, we’ll never know our true potential. Largely we also don’t love ourselves in our culture. As Jelualudin Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” How could this be?
This quote hounded my thoughts like an intriguing mystery or befuddling koan. Many years into my healing journey, I purchased a bracelet with Rumi’s quote engraved upon it. I pondered it when old torments visited my mind, and where I felt these wounds – in my heart.
Thus I began to stalk my heart as if she were a white-tailed doe I wanted to befriend. When she was shy, I just sat with her, observing. Sometimes I waited and she didn’t show up, unsure that I would really be there. Eventually, I noticed how my heart felt interacting with different people. I could see when she was open, and when she was closed. I took extra care when my heart felt tender. Like leaving corn out for deer, I began feeding my heart more experiences that made her sing. Soon, she felt that acceptance and showed up with a family of old wounds that needed tending to, shyly asking for more.
The wounding in my heart taught me how to be kind to myself, how to love myself. Because I allowed myself to follow the threads of inspiration, things that I loved, my heart burst wide open. I spent untold amounts of time in nature, and continue to do so. Instead of dwelling on loneliness, I learned to accept it, and now love the time I spend alone. Meanwhile, I took myself as a lover. I studied ancient and new spiritual practices.
Throughout my journey, I learned that the more I shared what I had perceived to be “dark secrets” with others, the more I found our common humanity. By accepting my own wounding with unconditional love, I can learn to be present for that in others. Because I learned to lovingly be with my darkness, my heart has become lighter, fuller. By embracing my wounds with love, I learned to “let the light enter” after all.
Colleen Kendrick, Trinity Energy Practitioner