I used to be afraid of being “notorious” as I’ve always been a bit different. I wanted to “fit in”, to be known, to be liked. The issue is … I don’t think I’ve felt that way towards myself. Yet I’ve wanted it from outside of me. Except I also didn’t want to be like everyone else. Go figure.
In other words, I’ve had this contentious and confusing relationship with myself, and I wanted others to approve of me, when I haven’t approved of myself.
I’ve been on a path for a while to get to know myself although the path is a bit different than I had been on. Little did I know how the two were related, per the origins of the word “notorious”:
1540–50; Medieval Latin notorius evident, equivalent to no(scere ) to get to know (see notify) + -torius -tory
I don’t approach life the way most people do. In addition to a more open perspective on life, my brain processes information differently than almost anyone I know, or any of those who know me, know. Makes life interesting. I’ve always felt different, and lately, I’ve been feeling even more so.
More and more I’ve come to accept how I’ve been in life …. identify what comes naturally to me …. choosing what beliefs and perspectives are important to me versus what I thought should be …. choosing where I want to move out of a current comfort zone.
My entire life, I am used to being the one with the vision … the one blazing the trail … the one striking the path …. the one leading the team, whether I meant to or not, it just kind of happens.
For the past few years, I’ve enjoyed living without the need for much external validation.
Nowadays, I usually live more in the present ….. more focused on moving forward versus living from the past … more focused on thriving, joy, laughter ….
Then the past few weeks happened. Lately, I’ve been clearing and purging and processing and shifting and releasing and creating. I’ve been moody, emotional, out of sorts, judgmental, reactive, fearful, angry, resentful, etc. Not all of the time, but way more than I would like to live in and not how I am used to living my life, anymore.
I’m not getting things done when I’ve told others they would, or planned things would be complete. I don’t like this. Even more, I don’t like that I’m seeing this as a pattern in my life, whether there are factors seemingly out of my control or not. Which started me looking at other parts of who I thought I was.
Then, it hit me ….
I FEEL LOST.
I’m starting to see that I haven’t been completely who I, or others, thought I was. Nor, in some cases, is that who I want to be. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, a fake, an imposter …. and that’s the worst. Seeing what I have contorted myself to be, to fit the mold of others.
I see that I’ve been betraying myself, over and over … and then get outraged if someone seemingly does that to me.
I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I really have been. Who has defined who I’m supposed to be? I’ve been living on auto-pilot … which is broken and no longer working for me.
WHO DO I WANT TO BE? What choices am I making? What choices do I want to make?
Because I’m experiencing a LOT of change in my life, I’m also experiencing a sense of overwhelm. I’m being put into a position of having to come face-to-face with the last 20 or so years of my life and well, it’s not all fun. In the process, I’ve been encountering one thing after another which is breaking down, burping, blowing up around me. AWKWARD.
In the midst of organizing tons of papers in boxes going back years and years, I’m coming face to face with what I’ve done and not done. I’m feeling nostalgic, regretful, sometimes proud and pleased. Mostly, UNPLEASANT.
I’ve been consolidating electronic files, merging duplicate files from over the past two decades … External hard drives have been crashing, before files could be pulled off. In the process of recovering what could be, and I got sick, I authorized destroying a hard drive which had been damaged before I checked what came off it. I lost YEARS and years of sole copies of my extensive work product, which I thought defined me. Even though I have some in paper form … SICKENING.
I’m experiencing odd issues with my computer, my phone, and especially my internet. Repeated tech visits, nothing helps. Everything is moving sooooo slow, which is part of what prompted getting the electronic files merged and consolidated. Then, crash. My tires needed to be unexpectedly replaced when one got damaged and went flat. The motor on our ac went out for the 2nd time in 9 years, and we have to pay for the labor. FRUSTRATING.
I’m clearing out a lot of items in my home, redoing walls, etc. Sometimes I’m having a tough time letting go of things, even though I haven’t used something for years, and/or I’m hearing it’s time to let the item move on. I can’t find things I need, such a paper to get a sizable reimbursement. Items I love are breaking. UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’ve been detoxing and working on a metabolic reset. My body is getting healthier, and I’ve been able to start exercising again. My body is starting to reflect a shape again, and this makes my mom happy. I have a wedding for my nephew in June, and the pressure is mounting as it’s not progressing “fast enough” for what I’d like. YIKES.
My primary relationships are shifting. I’m still integrating connecting with members of my birth family (I was adopted) and the unexpected reactions in my (adopted) family members and myself. There are other primary relationships and situations shifting in fundamental ways. STRESSFUL.
I have a number of people in my life, and one in particular, close to me, who are acting as perfect mirrors for behaviors and words about me, that I needed to see in myself. All the ugly, seemingly cruel stuff I am hearing is really just a reflection of the ugly, cruel things I’ve been saying to myself. UGLY.
I’ve been guided to explore unexpected ways of supporting myself financially, on a long-term basis and in a sustainable way. Utilizing some of my natural skills and requiring developing new and emerging skills. I’m interacting with “new” people. PANIC-INDUCING.
A lot of what has worked for me in the past as distractions, doesn’t work anymore. The familiar coping mechanisms no longer work the same way, and primarily no longer work. DISTRESSING.
My usual way of being, what I’m familiar with is being shaken from to the core …. My foundation is being reset, restructured … I don’t have much familiar to fall back on. I’m usually the one with the answers. SCARY.
Everything is taking way longer … takes more effort. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A LOT OF THE TIME, lately. Even in doing this blog, my computer locked up and I had to reboot it, and a number of times I just had to sit and wait for it.
WHAT’S THE POINT IN SHARING ALL THIS? Especially since I rarely ever vent much, let alone publicly, as I don’t need nor desire any sympathy.
I’m feeling LOST. Life is feeling AWKWARD … UNPLEASANT … SICKENING … FRUSTRATING … UNCOMFORTABLE … STRESSFUL …. PANIC-INDUCING … UGLY …. DISTRESSING.
I say I want peace in my life, and my life isn’t reflecting this. So, maybe I don’t really want peace. The “committee in my head” starts to gear up for bashing me, my life, my past, my present, my future.
Today ….. I have tools to stay in the awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, stressful, distressing, sickening, panic-inducing, ugly, scary … and have it not be more than where I am, in the moment.
I have tools to stay in the present …. and not return to the past, nor project failure into the future.
I have tools to not freeze in the present, just because I’m feeling lots of potentially overwhelming feelings.
Today, I can choose to face the feelings, accept them, acknowledge them, and choose new ones … and if I don’t, that’s okay.
Today, I have the ability to choose. Let’s see who I choose to create.
Run from what’s comfortable.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on I’ll be mad.
Last month, eight of us experienced magnificent, expanding, life changing, healing, purifying, magical moments in Mt. Shasta, CA.
During our retreats, the focus is on going within and dissolving what holds us back from realizing our Divine potential. Part of the experience includes extensive self-directed energy healing work, meditation, and reflection… and pushing ourselves beyond our previous limits. We did work together and individually; we meditated alone and we shared meditations too. One of the ongoing exercises is a vortex where we all focus on one in the group at a time.
We experienced deep and intense shares from our vortex exercises; full of epiphanies and breakthroughs… many of you felt and/or are still feeling it too, because – outside of space and time – many of you who practice Oneness consciousness, even though you might not have been physically present, also felt and have experienced the shifts.
I was blessed to meet and share with some of the most beautiful beings in my soul tribe I have met thus far in this life. One of them was, a magical, full of joy, very special being named Sandi.
I had heard of her in the past. I also knew she’d had a very serious health situation last year where she found herself choosing to stay or go. The details were not very clear to me at the onset of the retreat. However, throughout the experience, we effortlessly and quietly connected; I later learned about our shared love for music, sound, yoga, and magical fun experiences!
In one of our shares, Sandi was in the middle of the vortex; what I saw and experienced during the exercise was very interesting and different…and I was guided not to share at that moment. I judged and judged myself for not sharing, thinking it was negative and low vibration compared to the beautiful understandings the others shared, yet the Higher plan was different. I chose then to embrace myself and be courageous to share privately with her.
In the beginning of the vortex, I’d expected that connecting with this magical visionary would provide an equally magical experience with her. Instead… I found myself in a hospital room… Seriously? I remember feeling confused and a bit annoyed, yet I allowed and flowed with it. It only took a few moments to realize what I was seeing, since I remembered she had been in the hospital the year before. I immediately looked at the bed and saw her… and things made more sense. I was the observer and also participating.
She looked fragile and a bit lifeless, yet inside she was vibrant but annoyed and anxious because she wasn’t able to communicate to tell the doctors what to do. It was an empty and dull place; she wanted out of there. All of a sudden I saw all of us in the vortex, standing around the bed where Sandi was laying. Her soul was happy to see us as we started asking her (telepathically) what assistance she needed… she was ready to let us know what to do! She knew what needed to be done, it seemed no one around her in the 3D quite knew what to do even though they were very concerned about her health. We were moving around doctors and other people around her, totally invisible to them.
I remember her telling us where and how to make changes energetically, to affect the physical. It was quick! As she shifted her energy and we shared with her, she began moving into this cat kneading pose that earlier during our Mt. Shasta retreat that had initially been a joke… and there was significant change.
Choosing to share my vortex experience with Sandi that night (then further discussion later, after the trip) not only validated things that I saw, but it also brought up some things for her to remember that has also validated some of her experiences, too. We are still in awe from all of this… the logical mind thinks, “How crazy!”
A funny synchronicity was this “cat kneading pose” joke… (Funny enough, as I’m writing this, my cat just joined me! She literally put her tail on my face, turned around and sat next to me!).
Sandi and I had a moment during the trip when we were talking and sharing about our love for yoga; in the process, we came up with with the pose: laying with your back on the floor and the legs over the head, like a Karna Pindasana (yoga posture)/Alanda Balasana (happy baby pose). Then, moving one’s hands like a cat kneading in the air. We laughed so much! So, when I shared my experience seeing her doing that, it hit me: Seeing her doing that pose was a transformative message of unity and recognition, in showing me that what we were doing was helping her to heal/change her reality, even though I didn’t know her yet in linear time!
Later, she shared with me that in the beginning of her recovery (because she couldn’t talk or move much), one of the initial exercises she did when she first woke up from her extended hospital stay was moving her fingers like a cat kneading. So if we removed ourselves from the limitations of linear time… we could recognize that it’s quite possible that we “jokingly” created such a “pose” today, in a way that she could use it in the “past” to help to heal and recover Or, did she forget she used it, so we could have a fun opportunity to remember together, and circle back around?
Pretty wild, right?
After this experience, I view every moment differently. I never thought that part of dissolving what holds me back during our Mt. Shasta retreat would include pushing myself out of my comfort zone to fully own and express myself and my higher consciousness experiences; accepting myself as I am, where I am, knowing that everything has a purpose!
What we’re going through is beyond magical! The more we push and allow ourselves to experience well beyond our logical mind, the more we can realize and trust that all is perfectly orchestrated; the more we do that, the more we experience moments in multidimensionality, and can do so outside of space and time.