Tag: david parent
It happens to everyone; people put others on a pedestal for various reasons. For me, it all comes down to one reason; I was looking for something outside of myself that I felt I could not be myself. Notice what I said: I could not BE myself. It happens all the time in the spiritual community. And it may not be one sided; the person on the pedestal, consciously or unconsciously, knows they are on it and some want to keep it that way.
I did this with girlfriends. Without someone who loves me, I wasn’t complete. I did this with my mother; she’s always right because she yells the loudest. That may not seem like a reason to put someone on a pedestal, but when you’re young, there are no requirements for this. It just happens. My mother was one of those where the person felt they should be on the pedestal. Why? “Because I’m the mother, that’s why!” That’s what I mean by yelling the loudest. Why did she yell loudly? Because she is exclusively externally validated.
What I’ve realized about myself is I’ve taken people off of the pedestal, but the pedestal remained. When I’ve taken people off, there is a pull away from that person. Usually this has been precipitated by a blow up that confuses me. I try to figure out what is going on while my ego is also trying to grab the ground it feels is rightly its own. But I focus on the conversation and what’s being said because the other persons’ ego is doing the same thing. I ask honest questions and unwittingly aggravate the situation and feel more confused by it.
An unconscious message I received from my mother was that I am responsible for other peoples’ feelings. If I upset anyone, it’s my job to make them feel better along with fixing the situation. That’s where this all comes from. When this situation is happening, I am being the mirror to the other and the other is getting more and more upset with me for reflecting back what they’ve said and I get confused. That’s my part of keeping this going is the confusion because I keep asking questions based on what was said and what was said was ego based and doesn’t hold up under questioning.
I have been on the other side of this fence many times also. It’s not a pleasant experience when I calm down, and it would feed my big sense of unworthiness at that time. It said, “See? See what happens when you talk about how you feel and it’s upsetting to someone else?” How I felt was never taken into consideration at all… and what that can do is create someone who doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings because the message is “emotions are too painful.”
This year (2016) I had some soreness in my left wrist and the top of my arm. Nothing happened to make it so, it just slowly showed up. I would do yoga and realize there were positions I had a harder time doing because of my wrist. I also realized my balance seemed to be worse than I remember it. Doing the Tree position was always a challenge, but I had gotten better at it. Suddenly, it seemed I really couldn’t hold it even for the brief time I had been able to. I couldn’t stop wobbling. The same with the Warrior Two movements; those I never had a balance issue until this time.
So, with all of the above in the background, I had another back-and-forth with a close friend. This wasn’t the first one, but it was a side I started to see more of with this person and the same scenario above played itself out. When this happens, I have the hardest time letting it go until I feel I understand the whole thing. I let myself get locked into a loop. A day later, after unplugging from it by doing something for myself, it came into focus; I had this person still on a pedestal. I say still because I was already aware I had done that, but I thought I had taken care of it. I hadn’t, so I did right then in meditation.
I realized not only did I have this person on a pedestal, but also I was holding the pedestal up. Why would I create a pedestal and not be the one to hold it up? It’s mine so I’m going to hold it. Picture that; there is someone on a pedestal, under them is the pedestal (I always pictured it as a solid marble Roman column), under that is me holding both up. Not only did I put myself under the person, but also I am under the pedestal, which is also my creation. I am below my own creation. The pedestal deserves more than I give myself because it holds the person who “makes” me feel better about myself. But the old patterns still apply; if that person “makes” me feel bad, it’s their responsibility to “make” me feel good, right? For me: yes and no. Yes because of the pattern, but no because I am unworthy to feel good because I have “made” people feel bad in the past, so, in the long run, no.
I have done this with women most throughout my life, and this case was no different. The next morning I put it together that maybe the soreness in my wrist and arm was because I was holding up a person and a pedestal and it made sense since the left is the feminine side. I went into meditation and removed the person and the pedestal. The next day I did a couple of exercises that used my wrist and upper arm and they were not sore at all. I did Tree and Warrior Two and my balance was like I remembered it.
What is striking about this is the soreness I had felt for months on and off. I felt it was telling me this is coming to the surface. By being aware of it for months, it would be in the forefront of my consciousness when the reason for it being there came up. It also pointed out to me what I was being shown all along but avoided seeing until now: The reason this kept happening was because I wasn’t fully aware I kept doing it. Each time it happened was a chance to change it and I never took it until now because I didn’t feel worthy enough to totally rely on myself for what I always looked for outside of me: completeness, wholeness and unconditional love of myself. I will say the soreness didn’t completely disappear initially, though it was less sore. It would come and go but not as much or often. Sometimes it can take a little time to work itself out while I’m still meditating on what came up. As I write this, I don’t think about it as much because I no longer vibrate at that frequency.
Things were sorted out between my friend and I. We each looked within ourselves and dealt with whatever was being shown to us. We didn’t need to talk about it afterwards. Now rather than having only two points marked ‘black’ and ‘white’, I’ve allowed the full color spectrum and relationship to exist anywhere on that line. The reason the only choices were black and white was because of the void I looked to be filled by someone else. Either you did it or you didn’t. And the reason it always failed was I never said to that person, “I am looking for someone to fill this. Will you be that person?” It was all internal and the other had no idea it was happening. Actually, they usually did have a feeling, all the way to a knowing it was happening, as did I except when I was submerged in it. I now live on an infinite continuum rather than two confined points. The only way I can achieve that is to allow myself to be anywhere on the continuum.
What brought these experiences to me was the energy of the pedestal. It brought people to me, not to fill the void I felt I had, but to make me aware of the pedestal itself so that I would consciously remove it. The whole process was agreed upon at a higher level. What’s important to me is my end of it and how I feel based on living my truth. As long as I know I am in that, that’s all there is. And it’s the same for the other person but their truth may not sync up with mine. How can truth not sync up with itself? The more you delve into details, the more ego is involved. But someone can still disagree with someone else about something and still be living their truth. On a higher level, the truth is about something more broad and expansive. Just because we disagree on something doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. That’s the bigger truth. It does sync up with someone else’s truth because it’s the same truth. The higher you go, the more truth syncs up with itself because there are fewer of them. The lower you go, the less it does. And what looks like a disagreement on the lower level may be a higher-level thing playing itself out. For me, it’s living my truth and allowing a disagreement to exist between another and myself and continuing to love that person and myself. That was baffling to me because the shock I absorbed when I was young was, “You agree with me on everything regardless of whatever else I do or say.” That’s where all the mirror questions would come from and they were scary to say because there was always ‘consequences.’ An intense energy coming at me in the form of “Accept what I am saying and stop questioning me,” which is merely showing the lack of self-worth from the other and myself because if it’s in my reality, I asked for it to be there for a reason.
It is an amazing lesson to finally learn. The more you resist becoming aware of the lessons you ask to learn before incarnating, the more intense they are going to come to you until you get it. It may make an exciting story, but it is not needed. We don’t need to learn lessons by intense situations. That energy can be better spent moving more freely and progressing your soul. At the end of your life, you could be at the 600-mile marker or have gone so far that you went off the planet and don’t need to come back. You achieved all. And that choice is unique to everyone.
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
The things I like (mostly music, a few TV series), I like to collect. I’m a moderate completist. I like to have everything by a band and listen to their creative arc over and over. I have a few friends who are just as nutty as I am about this and we can talk about this stuff for hours.
When I was preparing to move out on my own (a two-year process), I started to get rid of things. I held onto everything usually, but I knew it was time to unload stuff and I was ready. That act is still with me. Music is the best example; I buy an album, enjoy it for years, don’t listen to it for a couple of years, get rid of it, then a few years later I “remember” how much I enjoyed it and buy it again and possibly go through the same cycle again. Having something taking up space bothered me after a while and I would feel a drive to clear out some of it that, at the time, I felt I could do without.
It wasn’t until after my marriage, and moving to NC, that I noticed I was doing that in relationships. I didn’t start dating until then. I never thought I was the type of person who hunted and gathered. I thought I collected and enjoyed, but somewhere the happiness of the having paled with the thrill of the hunt. Facebook is the biggest example of this; how many people do you know who “collect” friends? It was transient behavior that lacked any real connection. It didn’t stop me from being myself, but I wasn’t myself as much as I wanted to be.
Hunting is a primal behavior done for survival. I don’t need music for survival, though I certainly felt I couldn’t live without it. I didn’t need to be married, or how I was feeling it, for someone to agree to marry me, for my survival, but I felt I did at that time. I didn’t hunt for a wife; we crossed paths and we both initiated. I collected someone who made me feel I loved myself. She probably collected me also. Did I love her? Yes, but it took me a while because I didn’t love myself and I feel the same thing was happening with her. We learned together.
The having has taken me much longer to appreciate. Why would this be so? If I have something or someone enter my life that I wanted, why does the having feeling only last a short time? Because the material object or person was not what I really wanted. It made me feel good, but what I really wanted was to feel a deep connection. Ironically, this behavior drove me away from the one thing I wanted a deeper connection with; myself.
With the exception of when I was married, if the amounts of time I was involved in a relationship and when I was single were flipped, it would look like I can’t be on my own; that I always had to have someone. But it’s not that way. I’m single for long stretches and involved for brief periods. I asked myself while out on a walk, “Why this is?” Somewhere in that walk, the answer came to me: I keep myself single more often so I can always be in a state of hunting. So my life looked like this:
It’s a true addictive behavior. Soon enough, the happy part disappears and pretty soon, so does the having, as I got farther away from my spiritual source. When I look back, I really see it was happening in my marriage too. My wife at that time noted to me more than once that it felt like we’d become more like roommates than a married couple. She was right. But there was something deeper going on that I hadn’t realized until I turned this blog in. I had to add this because this was behind it all: I felt I didn’t deserve anything. No matter how sincere I was or how much I believed, there was a part of me that overrode everything: “I don’t care how much you love this person, or how much you believe what you believe; you don’t deserve it.” That’s why the hunting always happened; it was covering a constant state of not deserving.
When I took the Trinity Energy Progression™, the biggest part of it was about unconditional love…of yourself! If someone were to ask me at that time if I loved myself, there would’ve been a pause and not a very enthusiastic answer; “Yeah, I guess so.” With Trinity, I pushed through that and sooner than I expected; I could say that I did love myself and knew what that actually felt like.
But this habit still remained in my life. It wasn’t until a year-and-a-half after taking Trinity that all of this came into conscious thought as I was preparing (notice another preparation) to take the Facilitators retreat to Mt. Shasta in California (July 2015). I notice now that it wasn’t until I typed the above sentence that I realized I am repeating the same process I did when I moved out of the house I grew up in; getting rid of the stuff I don’t use anymore so moving will be easier. But this time there’s a twist; it’s not material things, it’s behaviors and concepts that I have outgrown. I am moving out of my old consciousness and into my new one but I won’t be returning to them and therefore, will break the cycle. My ego is feeling the ‘empty nest’ like my mom did; ‘Will I exist if I am not doing what you asked me to do?’ The answer is yes you will exist and in a much higher and brighter way than you ever imagined.
Emotions and behaviors are like this: by doing what you’re doing, they can be pointing out what the issue is. The drive to hunt pointed to a deep feeling of not deserving what I hunted for. That’s how emotions and behaviors can work. They are circular. Always ask yourself why you are really doing what you’re doing. It could reveal a deeper drive that is unconscious. When you bring those to light; your life is yours to live again.
The way to balance all of this is to love myself unconditionally. Nothing external is needed. It’s true that I can’t go home again because I never left it. It was always inside just waiting to be remembered.