I must confess that I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. Everything that I thought I knew just does not seem right. I have lost certainty. I used to think that I had answers, but that feeling is so foreign to me currently. Discussions that were once riveting have started to fade into mindless uninteresting banter. When I listen to other people express their ideas, I am unable to find them interesting. It goes in, and all I think is that they have nothing new to share with me. Even when they are so adamant that this is the newest thing, my mind says we’ve been here before; nothing new here. When I try to listen with my heart, I get the warm feelings of “Yay! They’re coming around!” but hearing age-old ideas being presented as “new” when this information has been so easily accessible for years does not captivate my novelty-seeking mind. I try to let go of judgment when it comes to these situations, but I also find it disingenuous to rebrand concepts that were rejected earlier based on their associations.
I am feeling a bit lost and disillusioned. In order to save and liberate myself, it is time for me to be honest with others and myself. Why must I force myself to feel like I have no voice in order to protect relationships that appear to be one-sided? What am I to do when my ideas are met with accusations of proselytizing or spinning semantics? How should I feel when someone else presents the same ideas later and is met later with glorious applause? Is it my ego that is making me feel like this? I tried to convince myself of this, but this approach is leading to apathy. My ego is also responsible for my thinking that I have to check my ego so that I don’t fall out of line. My present feelings of knowing nothing anymore are a product of “turning the other cheek” over and over again.
After some introspection, the following is how I understand the relationship with the ego. Integrating the ego is not about dissolving it so that you lose your personal feelings and individuality in order to become a listless member of the hive-mind. Integrating the ego with your spiritual being means that you won’t measure your self-worth against others. It means that you will create your reality instead of reacting to the reality that is around you. It is about liberating yourself from self-limiting thoughts and behaviors. Checking your ego doesn’t mean that you cannot assert yourself while another person is leading a diatribe at your expense! A healthy ego will not let another person’s words and actions diminish your feelings of self-worth, and having a healthy ego does not mean capitulating to the other person’s ego. It’s ok to call someone out on their BS; it just may require more tact than it really should in some cases.
But what the hell do I know? I know nothing… That’s ok… Somehow I still feel like I am on my way.