I used to be afraid of being “notorious” as I’ve always been a bit different. I wanted to “fit in”, to be known, to be liked. The issue is … I don’t think I’ve felt that way towards myself. Yet I’ve wanted it from outside of me. Except I also didn’t want to be like everyone else. Go figure.
In other words, I’ve had this contentious and confusing relationship with myself, and I wanted others to approve of me, when I haven’t approved of myself.
I’ve been on a path for a while to get to know myself although the path is a bit different than I had been on. Little did I know how the two were related, per the origins of the word “notorious”:
1540–50; Medieval Latin notorius evident, equivalent to no(scere ) to get to know (see notify) + -torius -tory
I don’t approach life the way most people do. In addition to a more open perspective on life, my brain processes information differently than almost anyone I know, or any of those who know me, know. Makes life interesting. I’ve always felt different, and lately, I’ve been feeling even more so.
More and more I’ve come to accept how I’ve been in life …. identify what comes naturally to me …. choosing what beliefs and perspectives are important to me versus what I thought should be …. choosing where I want to move out of a current comfort zone.
My entire life, I am used to being the one with the vision … the one blazing the trail … the one striking the path …. the one leading the team, whether I meant to or not, it just kind of happens.
For the past few years, I’ve enjoyed living without the need for much external validation.
Nowadays, I usually live more in the present ….. more focused on moving forward versus living from the past … more focused on thriving, joy, laughter ….
Then the past few weeks happened. Lately, I’ve been clearing and purging and processing and shifting and releasing and creating. I’ve been moody, emotional, out of sorts, judgmental, reactive, fearful, angry, resentful, etc. Not all of the time, but way more than I would like to live in and not how I am used to living my life, anymore.
I’m not getting things done when I’ve told others they would, or planned things would be complete. I don’t like this. Even more, I don’t like that I’m seeing this as a pattern in my life, whether there are factors seemingly out of my control or not. Which started me looking at other parts of who I thought I was.
Then, it hit me ….
I FEEL LOST.
I’m starting to see that I haven’t been completely who I, or others, thought I was. Nor, in some cases, is that who I want to be. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, a fake, an imposter …. and that’s the worst. Seeing what I have contorted myself to be, to fit the mold of others.
I see that I’ve been betraying myself, over and over … and then get outraged if someone seemingly does that to me.
I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I really have been. Who has defined who I’m supposed to be? I’ve been living on auto-pilot … which is broken and no longer working for me.
WHO DO I WANT TO BE? What choices am I making? What choices do I want to make?
Because I’m experiencing a LOT of change in my life, I’m also experiencing a sense of overwhelm. I’m being put into a position of having to come face-to-face with the last 20 or so years of my life and well, it’s not all fun. In the process, I’ve been encountering one thing after another which is breaking down, burping, blowing up around me. AWKWARD.
In the midst of organizing tons of papers in boxes going back years and years, I’m coming face to face with what I’ve done and not done. I’m feeling nostalgic, regretful, sometimes proud and pleased. Mostly, UNPLEASANT.
I’ve been consolidating electronic files, merging duplicate files from over the past two decades … External hard drives have been crashing, before files could be pulled off. In the process of recovering what could be, and I got sick, I authorized destroying a hard drive which had been damaged before I checked what came off it. I lost YEARS and years of sole copies of my extensive work product, which I thought defined me. Even though I have some in paper form … SICKENING.
I’m experiencing odd issues with my computer, my phone, and especially my internet. Repeated tech visits, nothing helps. Everything is moving sooooo slow, which is part of what prompted getting the electronic files merged and consolidated. Then, crash. My tires needed to be unexpectedly replaced when one got damaged and went flat. The motor on our ac went out for the 2nd time in 9 years, and we have to pay for the labor. FRUSTRATING.
I’m clearing out a lot of items in my home, redoing walls, etc. Sometimes I’m having a tough time letting go of things, even though I haven’t used something for years, and/or I’m hearing it’s time to let the item move on. I can’t find things I need, such a paper to get a sizable reimbursement. Items I love are breaking. UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’ve been detoxing and working on a metabolic reset. My body is getting healthier, and I’ve been able to start exercising again. My body is starting to reflect a shape again, and this makes my mom happy. I have a wedding for my nephew in June, and the pressure is mounting as it’s not progressing “fast enough” for what I’d like. YIKES.
My primary relationships are shifting. I’m still integrating connecting with members of my birth family (I was adopted) and the unexpected reactions in my (adopted) family members and myself. There are other primary relationships and situations shifting in fundamental ways. STRESSFUL.
I have a number of people in my life, and one in particular, close to me, who are acting as perfect mirrors for behaviors and words about me, that I needed to see in myself. All the ugly, seemingly cruel stuff I am hearing is really just a reflection of the ugly, cruel things I’ve been saying to myself. UGLY.
I’ve been guided to explore unexpected ways of supporting myself financially, on a long-term basis and in a sustainable way. Utilizing some of my natural skills and requiring developing new and emerging skills. I’m interacting with “new” people. PANIC-INDUCING.
A lot of what has worked for me in the past as distractions, doesn’t work anymore. The familiar coping mechanisms no longer work the same way, and primarily no longer work. DISTRESSING.
My usual way of being, what I’m familiar with is being shaken from to the core …. My foundation is being reset, restructured … I don’t have much familiar to fall back on. I’m usually the one with the answers. SCARY.
Everything is taking way longer … takes more effort. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A LOT OF THE TIME, lately. Even in doing this blog, my computer locked up and I had to reboot it, and a number of times I just had to sit and wait for it.
WHAT’S THE POINT IN SHARING ALL THIS? Especially since I rarely ever vent much, let alone publicly, as I don’t need nor desire any sympathy.
I’m feeling LOST. Life is feeling AWKWARD … UNPLEASANT … SICKENING … FRUSTRATING … UNCOMFORTABLE … STRESSFUL …. PANIC-INDUCING … UGLY …. DISTRESSING.
I say I want peace in my life, and my life isn’t reflecting this. So, maybe I don’t really want peace. The “committee in my head” starts to gear up for bashing me, my life, my past, my present, my future.
Today ….. I have tools to stay in the awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, stressful, distressing, sickening, panic-inducing, ugly, scary … and have it not be more than where I am, in the moment.
I have tools to stay in the present …. and not return to the past, nor project failure into the future.
I have tools to not freeze in the present, just because I’m feeling lots of potentially overwhelming feelings.
Today, I can choose to face the feelings, accept them, acknowledge them, and choose new ones … and if I don’t, that’s okay.
Today, I have the ability to choose. Let’s see who I choose to create.
Run from what’s comfortable.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on I’ll be mad.
In every challenging period of my life I have chosen to hunker down, check out and deal with things on my own. It was my belief that there really wasn’t anyone who really wanted to listen to what I was going through. Everyone else had their own struggles. Why would they want to listen to me when I was at my lowest? So I would watch TV to numb myself, isolate myself from all the people who cared about me, complain about how rough I had it and then make believe everything was okay.
Most of the time this would carry me over until the next challenging time, but I would make minimal movement towards really seeing/healing what was causing me so much suffering. It wasn’t until I started practicing Trinity that I realized that those challenging moments were ME showing ME what needed to shift so I could come to remembrance of Authenticity. However, I must admit, I hadn’t really committed to a consistent practice until recently.
I knew what the commitment was in theory but I was always drawn back to my usual way of doing things because it felt comfortable. Actually, taking responsibility and making the time to see what I needed to do for myself seemed like too much effort. Growing up, I was spoon fed how to be a victim and it felt SO GOOD. Blaming someone or something else felt awesome because I didn’t have to step up to the plate. I could just hide behind the hurt and the blame and throw stones from a safe distance.
But here’s the thing: The effort it takes to stay in those old patterns is so much more draining than the effort to take responsibility and shift into courage and acceptance! Yes, some of the things we have to look at are truly uncomfortable for us to acknowledge and witness and feel, but we have a choice in what to do.
All of these aspects of me that I have committed not to run away from are qualities that make me cringe. Pieces of me that I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge for such a long time. Right now I’m seeing the mirrors I have put up for myself everywhere. Everything in our reality can be a mirror for growth, if we choose to look at those pieces reflected back to us. Since we are ultimately ALL One, our reality reflects aspects of ourselves “in the mirror” to look at and grow from. My goodness, have I’ve been giving myself messages!
And now, I have decided to truly listen, be fully aware and bring those parts back to love and acceptance. This process has been so difficult as I’m sure it is for most of us. Every piece of unworthiness has come up for me. Every bit of lack. Every bit of “Not Enough”. Every bit of self-loathing. In every situation I have set up, there’s a reflection! There are moments when it feels like that’s all I am, these “less than” pieces. I think, “Will I ever fully remember my Authentic Divine Self? I’m so broken, what’s the use? How will I ever be everything I was created to be when I have so much to undo?”
In the past, I would have given up. I would have manifested an illness so I had the inarguable excuse to check out and hunker down. Chosen something to numb my feelings of unworthiness and fear, isolated myself because I would believe, “Who would love someone so broken and weak?” and hoped it would turn around. Starting to repeat the old patterns of “victim extraordinaire”… this time I knew I had to choose differently. This time, I would not give up on my commitment to wholeness! Even though changing my pattern felt unbearable at times, in choosing to honor me, I remembered the understanding which gave me the perspective to continue and not give up.
Yes, the aspects of lack and separation are reflections of me. Every one of those aspects that I keep becoming aware of are ME, AND so are the aspects of love, compassion, and wisdom, etc., that I witness in others. When I look at another and see courage, creativity, trust, wisdom, joy, unconditional love, passion, that’s ME too!
My only focus doesn’t have to be on the parts that have to be brought back to wholeness. In those moments of despair, one very important thing I can do is look to the vast messages about the DIVINE ME all around. I truly hadn’t seen it that way. When I’m experiencing feelings of separation and lack, if my perspective of someone I admire is that they are everything I am not, this just propels me further into the spiral of despair.
To do it differently, when I feel that fear, doubt, judgement, etc., is what I truly am, what I need to do is look at the mirrors reflecting the Authentic Me, ALL of it! I will not be able to deny the Truth. This will allow me to get past the illusion of separateness long enough for me to continue on the process of forgiveness and acceptance, until I can come back to Wholeness.
In those periods of fear and defeat, I will remind myself that these are just moments leading me to Truth. I will remember to see my true nature of Oneness reflected in others and in situations, just as I see the pieces that are reflecting separation. When I see something in another which I feel I lack, I will remind myself that it’s already within me, for we are all One. I will take courage from the qualities of Oneness I witness and continue allowing and accepting the pieces of separation without so much fear and struggle.
And when I feel the struggle is too much and I want to retreat to old beliefs and patterns, I will reach out to the beautiful soul tribe of which I am a part for support, wisdom, love, perspective, etc., until I feel those same qualities within me again. For it is in those moments that I have to remember I can draw strength from all the wonderful people that surround me. No more hiding who I am or isolation. No more procrastination. The commitment to Wholeness is the path I choose and there’s no way I’m going to make it all the way through if I continue to choose the patterns that no longer serve me. Choose differently. Seek a different perspective. Choose a different action. Think differently. Is this super uncomfortable? YES! But the alternative will not lead me back to ME. The old pattern shows me I am just waiting for me to come home.
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
Fasting, releasing, letting go, removing blocks which prevent our light to shine, removing masks and discarding our shadow lives and being in full bloom to show up as authentic self. If I were unafraid, I would let go of all my masks, all props, costumes, scripts, all ego created beliefs and BE.
I am pondering why I have created such a tight grip to holding onto the show. Even though I know that letting go leads to something a whole lot better than my ego can imagine, I still resist and I hold back. I am watching this tennis match between my ego and a wall. Watching and believing that my ego can champion over a wall. A wall which only is the reflective action the ego imposes upon it. Yet even knowing that this is not real, I am holding onto it as if it is. There is still so much resistance upon letting go.
I want so much to remember, remember my true authentic being. My prayers, meditations, readings, writings, healings, and thoughts all focus on this. I remind myself daily or more often than that to “wake up” … to “remember” … to “let go and trust” … and to “be in faith”. Some moments, many moments, my patience turns and annoyance and aggravation become me and questions of doubt and uncertainty pour out. The questions spill, “why can’t I just wake up, why is this taking so long, what the heck” and so on and so forth. Then snap, my mind pivots and I attend to “it is time to refocus, time to heal, time to sit with that and reveal what the hold up within myself is.”
An answer bubbles up to the surface and shows that I am in grief and misery and terribly miss knowing that I will forget all this. When I wake up and step into my truth and being that I am, I will have no memory at all of this dream world of this enchanted, exotic, wild, exciting, ego trip that I have been experiencing since the apple was eaten and this hallucination begun. That I hold onto. I hold onto wanting to remember this and that. Something tells me that both cannot be remembered. It feels like something of the flavor of “we cannot serve two masters.” I am torn, as I know it is time to step into the fullness and all that I am, but darn it all I do not want to forget this wild story. My sentimentality and love for this imagined creation is still strongly entrenched in my being. I am hitting the snooze bar for 5 more minutes, I am enjoying this dream.
Along comes the siren with a lullaby and it sweetly sings that it does not have to be all or none, not right away. This is a finely tuned web of beliefs after all; and here negotiating, the ego is at work and says, “you know you can have your cake and eat it too.” But of course we can stall. We can take an evolutionary step and yet still be present with this 3D dream. The drum rolls, and the reveal is that we can BE AWAKE within the dream. Interesting, this is a precarious position for the ego. I am surprised it is willing to take a step in this presence. For the ego, this is like standing on the ledge of a cliff and all of a sudden the other side of the earth falls away leaving the ego balancing itself on a pinnacle of land for support without much leeway or wiggle room for roaming or moving about. It looks bleak for the ego now with nowhere left to go. It is reduced to its final frontier and left to dissolve into I…..
I am afraid to let my imaginary friend go is what it boils to, and in irony it is my imaginary friend who is afraid to be imagined, to be let go, as my imagined sense is making this so. It is confusing to be insane. It is now time to let go of the insanity within. Know now it is time to turn within and connect to source and release and heal and receive the Truth of that in which we are.
Peace and Love to all. See ya on the other side where though there is no word for it, I believe it points way beyond awesomenesssss!
Facilitator, Trinity Energy Progression™
These last several years of my life have probably been some of the most incredible times, other than the birth of my son, in my entire life. I have always been very spiritual but did not know what that meant nor did I understand the implications of it. Throughout my life I was presented with situations; I always knew what I needed to do and never questioned why or other possibilities. One of the most amazing things to come out of this type of lifestyle is that I ended up helping raise three beautiful young ladies that have made my life so much richer just by them letting me be a part of their lives. I was also gifted with an amazing son that challenged me every step of the way of him becoming an adult. We both survived; he is now a wonderful adult.
I was introduced to the Spiritual with one Reiki session. That was all it took. I had no knowledge what “being spiritual” was but I knew that was going to be my path in life. Like all of the other times I was presented with a new situation, I followed my guidance. I studied and became a Reiki Master; I learned more about the Spiritual. Then in 2012 it came to me that I would be leaving the West Palm Beach (WBP), FL area which I had lived in since I was about ten months old. I would be leaving three of my kids, two of my grandkids, my elderly mother, a sister, and a lot of very special friends. I did not have the financial means to move so I put out to the Universe that if I really was supposed to go, “they” would have to make it happen. In a totally unexpected way, the finances fell into place and I had the money to move. At first I was clueless as to what this meant but eventually the opportunity became available for me to move to the Raleigh, North Carolina area; I moved in July of 2013. I picked and rented a house in Apex, North Carolina via the internet without actually seeing the house, packed my stuff, and moved.
After moving up here one of the first things I did was find someone to get Reiki sessions from as that was very important to me at the time. I made several trips back to WPB a few times right after I moved for family events that were going on. I visited my Spiritual Mentor on one of the visits and she asked me if I had found a group to get involved with, and I told her no. She made me promise that I would find one. After returning home, I opened the local Spiritual Meetup listings and was scrolling down looking at the different groups that were having meetings. I was drawn to one that Angela (Coulter, Trinity Originator) was having at her house which I actually attended. This was so out of my box and personal comfort zone, by the way. That was the beginning of an amazing 2014 year for me. After attending the meeting, it came to me that I needed to get to know Angela better. I attended a Trinity Energy Progression™ Open House in November and then took the Trinity Energy Progression Practitioners Class in January 2014. My life was changed forever again.
While in the class I met many wonderful Trinity Energy Progression Practitioners and students. I found that I was part of a Spiritual family which is coming together again. At that class I met Linda Grimm; and was guided to find out more about what she did spiritually. In addition to being a Trinity Energy Progression Practitioner, Linda is a ThetaHealer and Teacher among many other spiritual gifts. So I was guided to take the ThetaHealing® Basic then Advanced program. Out of the blue, after I had registered for ThetaHealing classes Angela presented me with an opportunity to go to Mt. Shasta for the Facilitator’s class which was really unbelievable in so many ways. I did not meet the prerequisites to train for the Trinity Energy Progression Facilitators class. Angela briefly entertained the idea that she may take additional students. It came to me that I really needed to attend the Facilitators training so I just let her know that if she did decide to enlarge the group that I was interested. She told me a little while later that she had decided not to take additional students. I was disappointed; Again I sent it out to the Universe that if I was supposed to go, “they” had to make it happen. That is what is so amazing about just letting the Universe settle things for you.
In 2014, this is where my spiritual journey took me – January I trained as a Trinity Energy Progression Practitioner; in May I trained in Theta Healing Basic; in June I trained in Theta Healing Advanced. Then, as it turned out in July I went to Mt. Shasta to train as a Trinity Facilitator. Somehow I had gotten on the spiritual fast track. Man, what a ride it has been. Trinity Energy Progression and Theta Healing are both amazingly beautiful energies, and I knew I needed to train in both. I’m still not totally sure why or where it will all lead but I am just following my guidance and growing each day with the beauty of it all.
My life, though awesome, was extremely challenging and difficult. Every one of us has challenging lives but we all carry the baggage differently. I began working on myself with the help of my mentors and new-found soul family as well as all of my new energies that I now have as part of me. The tools are amazing; I learn new things about myself and my spiritual life every day. I started forgiving myself and letting go of so much that I carried. These energies have allowed me to become more of the spiritual person I am supposed to be. I have had several very important changes for the better in my physical health since I have been forgiving myself and others, and letting it all go. I still have a ways to go but am moving forward every day. I do trust that the Universe has my back and will guide me in all that I do; I always have even when I didn’t realize it, and that is an amazing thing to know now that I understand it so much better. The Spiritual and the Universe are amazing and will take care of us if we just trust and let it.
Facilitator, Trinity Energy Progression™