Tag: laurel ley
I used to be afraid of being “notorious” as I’ve always been a bit different. I wanted to “fit in”, to be known, to be liked. The issue is … I don’t think I’ve felt that way towards myself. Yet I’ve wanted it from outside of me. Except I also didn’t want to be like everyone else. Go figure.
In other words, I’ve had this contentious and confusing relationship with myself, and I wanted others to approve of me, when I haven’t approved of myself.
I’ve been on a path for a while to get to know myself although the path is a bit different than I had been on. Little did I know how the two were related, per the origins of the word “notorious”:
1540–50; Medieval Latin notorius evident, equivalent to no(scere ) to get to know (see notify) + -torius -tory
I don’t approach life the way most people do. In addition to a more open perspective on life, my brain processes information differently than almost anyone I know, or any of those who know me, know. Makes life interesting. I’ve always felt different, and lately, I’ve been feeling even more so.
More and more I’ve come to accept how I’ve been in life …. identify what comes naturally to me …. choosing what beliefs and perspectives are important to me versus what I thought should be …. choosing where I want to move out of a current comfort zone.
My entire life, I am used to being the one with the vision … the one blazing the trail … the one striking the path …. the one leading the team, whether I meant to or not, it just kind of happens.
For the past few years, I’ve enjoyed living without the need for much external validation.
Nowadays, I usually live more in the present ….. more focused on moving forward versus living from the past … more focused on thriving, joy, laughter ….
Then the past few weeks happened. Lately, I’ve been clearing and purging and processing and shifting and releasing and creating. I’ve been moody, emotional, out of sorts, judgmental, reactive, fearful, angry, resentful, etc. Not all of the time, but way more than I would like to live in and not how I am used to living my life, anymore.
I’m not getting things done when I’ve told others they would, or planned things would be complete. I don’t like this. Even more, I don’t like that I’m seeing this as a pattern in my life, whether there are factors seemingly out of my control or not. Which started me looking at other parts of who I thought I was.
Then, it hit me ….
I FEEL LOST.
I’m starting to see that I haven’t been completely who I, or others, thought I was. Nor, in some cases, is that who I want to be. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, a fake, an imposter …. and that’s the worst. Seeing what I have contorted myself to be, to fit the mold of others.
I see that I’ve been betraying myself, over and over … and then get outraged if someone seemingly does that to me.
I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I really have been. Who has defined who I’m supposed to be? I’ve been living on auto-pilot … which is broken and no longer working for me.
WHO DO I WANT TO BE? What choices am I making? What choices do I want to make?
Because I’m experiencing a LOT of change in my life, I’m also experiencing a sense of overwhelm. I’m being put into a position of having to come face-to-face with the last 20 or so years of my life and well, it’s not all fun. In the process, I’ve been encountering one thing after another which is breaking down, burping, blowing up around me. AWKWARD.
In the midst of organizing tons of papers in boxes going back years and years, I’m coming face to face with what I’ve done and not done. I’m feeling nostalgic, regretful, sometimes proud and pleased. Mostly, UNPLEASANT.
I’ve been consolidating electronic files, merging duplicate files from over the past two decades … External hard drives have been crashing, before files could be pulled off. In the process of recovering what could be, and I got sick, I authorized destroying a hard drive which had been damaged before I checked what came off it. I lost YEARS and years of sole copies of my extensive work product, which I thought defined me. Even though I have some in paper form … SICKENING.
I’m experiencing odd issues with my computer, my phone, and especially my internet. Repeated tech visits, nothing helps. Everything is moving sooooo slow, which is part of what prompted getting the electronic files merged and consolidated. Then, crash. My tires needed to be unexpectedly replaced when one got damaged and went flat. The motor on our ac went out for the 2nd time in 9 years, and we have to pay for the labor. FRUSTRATING.
I’m clearing out a lot of items in my home, redoing walls, etc. Sometimes I’m having a tough time letting go of things, even though I haven’t used something for years, and/or I’m hearing it’s time to let the item move on. I can’t find things I need, such a paper to get a sizable reimbursement. Items I love are breaking. UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’ve been detoxing and working on a metabolic reset. My body is getting healthier, and I’ve been able to start exercising again. My body is starting to reflect a shape again, and this makes my mom happy. I have a wedding for my nephew in June, and the pressure is mounting as it’s not progressing “fast enough” for what I’d like. YIKES.
My primary relationships are shifting. I’m still integrating connecting with members of my birth family (I was adopted) and the unexpected reactions in my (adopted) family members and myself. There are other primary relationships and situations shifting in fundamental ways. STRESSFUL.
I have a number of people in my life, and one in particular, close to me, who are acting as perfect mirrors for behaviors and words about me, that I needed to see in myself. All the ugly, seemingly cruel stuff I am hearing is really just a reflection of the ugly, cruel things I’ve been saying to myself. UGLY.
I’ve been guided to explore unexpected ways of supporting myself financially, on a long-term basis and in a sustainable way. Utilizing some of my natural skills and requiring developing new and emerging skills. I’m interacting with “new” people. PANIC-INDUCING.
A lot of what has worked for me in the past as distractions, doesn’t work anymore. The familiar coping mechanisms no longer work the same way, and primarily no longer work. DISTRESSING.
My usual way of being, what I’m familiar with is being shaken from to the core …. My foundation is being reset, restructured … I don’t have much familiar to fall back on. I’m usually the one with the answers. SCARY.
Everything is taking way longer … takes more effort. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A LOT OF THE TIME, lately. Even in doing this blog, my computer locked up and I had to reboot it, and a number of times I just had to sit and wait for it.
WHAT’S THE POINT IN SHARING ALL THIS? Especially since I rarely ever vent much, let alone publicly, as I don’t need nor desire any sympathy.
I’m feeling LOST. Life is feeling AWKWARD … UNPLEASANT … SICKENING … FRUSTRATING … UNCOMFORTABLE … STRESSFUL …. PANIC-INDUCING … UGLY …. DISTRESSING.
I say I want peace in my life, and my life isn’t reflecting this. So, maybe I don’t really want peace. The “committee in my head” starts to gear up for bashing me, my life, my past, my present, my future.
Today ….. I have tools to stay in the awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, stressful, distressing, sickening, panic-inducing, ugly, scary … and have it not be more than where I am, in the moment.
I have tools to stay in the present …. and not return to the past, nor project failure into the future.
I have tools to not freeze in the present, just because I’m feeling lots of potentially overwhelming feelings.
Today, I can choose to face the feelings, accept them, acknowledge them, and choose new ones … and if I don’t, that’s okay.
Today, I have the ability to choose. Let’s see who I choose to create.
Run from what’s comfortable.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on I’ll be mad.
Have you ever considered if the universe is delivering exactly what you’re asking for but you’re not recognizing it? What if it is delivering exactly what you asked for, right now?
This isn’t about the “law of attraction”.
This is about …. What if the universe is delivering everything you want, or the way to get there, and you don’t accept it because it doesn’t look the way you expected?
I’ve been having a number of discussions lately about just this concept referencing the modern parable about the man who dies, ends up at the pearly gates, and asks St. Peter why he wasn’t saved. As it goes:
There is widespread flooding going on. A man dies after going all the way up to his roof during the rains, and he drowns. He ends up at the pearly gates and asks St. Peter, “Why, why wasn’t I saved? I asked over and over for help, and none came.”
St. Peter responds with, “You were sent help, you didn’t accept any of it. When the rains first started, we sent you a rowboat; but you turned it away. As the waters continued to rise, we sent you a motorboat, and you also turned it away. Finally, when you were on the roof, and there was one last chance to save you, you turned away the helicopter we sent. Each time you said that God would save you. My child, it was God who sent you the rowboat, the motorboat, and then the helicopter.”
There have been numerous times in my life when I’ve been waiting and looking for the rowboat, the motorboat, and even the helicopter …. and I missed the lovely sail boat sent my way.
I’ve been a student of life as long as I can remember. I’ve heard the concepts of “plan plans, not outcomes” and “pry your fingers off the steering wheel of life.” I haven’t really gotten it until just recently.
I found myself once again asking for direction to my path in life as well as support to a thriving life, including both health and financial. Within 24 to 36 hours I got my answer, yet it didn’t look like I expected. I wanted a few signs; I got them. I mean … I REALLY GOT SIGNS WHICH WERE VERY CLEAR as they were signs that are meaningful and distinct to me. ROTFL, I still was a bit questioning.
FINALLY …. click went the light and I now see the sailboat!
What I most love about all of this is that I have come to a place in life where I thought I was trusting as life unfolds, except it seems when it doesn’t look like I expected. If I’m kicking and screaming and upset, that is not living in the present, seeing and accepting the gifts which are being offered to me all along my path. This is now the graduate level course of life ….
Am willing to trust, am willing to live in faith …. even when things come to me in different ways than I thought? Can I have inner peace when I’m being challenged outside of my comfort zone? Can I trust when life is feeling unfamiliar? Will I allow myself the pleasures of trust, ease, and inner peace?
So, am I ready to see my sailboat? I’ve found I’m ready when I’m ready, no sooner.
Yep, not only am I ready for the sailboat, I am ready to let my dreams set sail. I am now on the sailboat life sent me …. feeling the wind and the mist from the waves as they embrace my body.
We must let go of the life we have planned,
so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
~ Joseph Campbell
Anyone else? Who’s ready and willing to come sailing with me?