In every challenging period of my life I have chosen to hunker down, check out and deal with things on my own. It was my belief that there really wasn’t anyone who really wanted to listen to what I was going through. Everyone else had their own struggles. Why would they want to listen to me when I was at my lowest? So I would watch TV to numb myself, isolate myself from all the people who cared about me, complain about how rough I had it and then make believe everything was okay.
Most of the time this would carry me over until the next challenging time, but I would make minimal movement towards really seeing/healing what was causing me so much suffering. It wasn’t until I started practicing Trinity that I realized that those challenging moments were ME showing ME what needed to shift so I could come to remembrance of Authenticity. However, I must admit, I hadn’t really committed to a consistent practice until recently.
I knew what the commitment was in theory but I was always drawn back to my usual way of doing things because it felt comfortable. Actually, taking responsibility and making the time to see what I needed to do for myself seemed like too much effort. Growing up, I was spoon fed how to be a victim and it felt SO GOOD. Blaming someone or something else felt awesome because I didn’t have to step up to the plate. I could just hide behind the hurt and the blame and throw stones from a safe distance.
But here’s the thing: The effort it takes to stay in those old patterns is so much more draining than the effort to take responsibility and shift into courage and acceptance! Yes, some of the things we have to look at are truly uncomfortable for us to acknowledge and witness and feel, but we have a choice in what to do.
All of these aspects of me that I have committed not to run away from are qualities that make me cringe. Pieces of me that I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge for such a long time. Right now I’m seeing the mirrors I have put up for myself everywhere. Everything in our reality can be a mirror for growth, if we choose to look at those pieces reflected back to us. Since we are ultimately ALL One, our reality reflects aspects of ourselves “in the mirror” to look at and grow from. My goodness, have I’ve been giving myself messages!
And now, I have decided to truly listen, be fully aware and bring those parts back to love and acceptance. This process has been so difficult as I’m sure it is for most of us. Every piece of unworthiness has come up for me. Every bit of lack. Every bit of “Not Enough”. Every bit of self-loathing. In every situation I have set up, there’s a reflection! There are moments when it feels like that’s all I am, these “less than” pieces. I think, “Will I ever fully remember my Authentic Divine Self? I’m so broken, what’s the use? How will I ever be everything I was created to be when I have so much to undo?”
In the past, I would have given up. I would have manifested an illness so I had the inarguable excuse to check out and hunker down. Chosen something to numb my feelings of unworthiness and fear, isolated myself because I would believe, “Who would love someone so broken and weak?” and hoped it would turn around. Starting to repeat the old patterns of “victim extraordinaire”… this time I knew I had to choose differently. This time, I would not give up on my commitment to wholeness! Even though changing my pattern felt unbearable at times, in choosing to honor me, I remembered the understanding which gave me the perspective to continue and not give up.
Yes, the aspects of lack and separation are reflections of me. Every one of those aspects that I keep becoming aware of are ME, AND so are the aspects of love, compassion, and wisdom, etc., that I witness in others. When I look at another and see courage, creativity, trust, wisdom, joy, unconditional love, passion, that’s ME too!
My only focus doesn’t have to be on the parts that have to be brought back to wholeness. In those moments of despair, one very important thing I can do is look to the vast messages about the DIVINE ME all around. I truly hadn’t seen it that way. When I’m experiencing feelings of separation and lack, if my perspective of someone I admire is that they are everything I am not, this just propels me further into the spiral of despair.
To do it differently, when I feel that fear, doubt, judgement, etc., is what I truly am, what I need to do is look at the mirrors reflecting the Authentic Me, ALL of it! I will not be able to deny the Truth. This will allow me to get past the illusion of separateness long enough for me to continue on the process of forgiveness and acceptance, until I can come back to Wholeness.
In those periods of fear and defeat, I will remind myself that these are just moments leading me to Truth. I will remember to see my true nature of Oneness reflected in others and in situations, just as I see the pieces that are reflecting separation. When I see something in another which I feel I lack, I will remind myself that it’s already within me, for we are all One. I will take courage from the qualities of Oneness I witness and continue allowing and accepting the pieces of separation without so much fear and struggle.
And when I feel the struggle is too much and I want to retreat to old beliefs and patterns, I will reach out to the beautiful soul tribe of which I am a part for support, wisdom, love, perspective, etc., until I feel those same qualities within me again. For it is in those moments that I have to remember I can draw strength from all the wonderful people that surround me. No more hiding who I am or isolation. No more procrastination. The commitment to Wholeness is the path I choose and there’s no way I’m going to make it all the way through if I continue to choose the patterns that no longer serve me. Choose differently. Seek a different perspective. Choose a different action. Think differently. Is this super uncomfortable? YES! But the alternative will not lead me back to ME. The old pattern shows me I am just waiting for me to come home.
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner