I used to be afraid of being “notorious” as I’ve always been a bit different. I wanted to “fit in”, to be known, to be liked. The issue is … I don’t think I’ve felt that way towards myself. Yet I’ve wanted it from outside of me. Except I also didn’t want to be like everyone else. Go figure.
In other words, I’ve had this contentious and confusing relationship with myself, and I wanted others to approve of me, when I haven’t approved of myself.
I’ve been on a path for a while to get to know myself although the path is a bit different than I had been on. Little did I know how the two were related, per the origins of the word “notorious”:
1540–50; Medieval Latin notorius evident, equivalent to no(scere ) to get to know (see notify) + -torius -tory
I don’t approach life the way most people do. In addition to a more open perspective on life, my brain processes information differently than almost anyone I know, or any of those who know me, know. Makes life interesting. I’ve always felt different, and lately, I’ve been feeling even more so.
More and more I’ve come to accept how I’ve been in life …. identify what comes naturally to me …. choosing what beliefs and perspectives are important to me versus what I thought should be …. choosing where I want to move out of a current comfort zone.
My entire life, I am used to being the one with the vision … the one blazing the trail … the one striking the path …. the one leading the team, whether I meant to or not, it just kind of happens.
For the past few years, I’ve enjoyed living without the need for much external validation.
Nowadays, I usually live more in the present ….. more focused on moving forward versus living from the past … more focused on thriving, joy, laughter ….
Then the past few weeks happened. Lately, I’ve been clearing and purging and processing and shifting and releasing and creating. I’ve been moody, emotional, out of sorts, judgmental, reactive, fearful, angry, resentful, etc. Not all of the time, but way more than I would like to live in and not how I am used to living my life, anymore.
I’m not getting things done when I’ve told others they would, or planned things would be complete. I don’t like this. Even more, I don’t like that I’m seeing this as a pattern in my life, whether there are factors seemingly out of my control or not. Which started me looking at other parts of who I thought I was.
Then, it hit me ….
I FEEL LOST.
I’m starting to see that I haven’t been completely who I, or others, thought I was. Nor, in some cases, is that who I want to be. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, a fake, an imposter …. and that’s the worst. Seeing what I have contorted myself to be, to fit the mold of others.
I see that I’ve been betraying myself, over and over … and then get outraged if someone seemingly does that to me.
I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I really have been. Who has defined who I’m supposed to be? I’ve been living on auto-pilot … which is broken and no longer working for me.
WHO DO I WANT TO BE? What choices am I making? What choices do I want to make?
Because I’m experiencing a LOT of change in my life, I’m also experiencing a sense of overwhelm. I’m being put into a position of having to come face-to-face with the last 20 or so years of my life and well, it’s not all fun. In the process, I’ve been encountering one thing after another which is breaking down, burping, blowing up around me. AWKWARD.
In the midst of organizing tons of papers in boxes going back years and years, I’m coming face to face with what I’ve done and not done. I’m feeling nostalgic, regretful, sometimes proud and pleased. Mostly, UNPLEASANT.
I’ve been consolidating electronic files, merging duplicate files from over the past two decades … External hard drives have been crashing, before files could be pulled off. In the process of recovering what could be, and I got sick, I authorized destroying a hard drive which had been damaged before I checked what came off it. I lost YEARS and years of sole copies of my extensive work product, which I thought defined me. Even though I have some in paper form … SICKENING.
I’m experiencing odd issues with my computer, my phone, and especially my internet. Repeated tech visits, nothing helps. Everything is moving sooooo slow, which is part of what prompted getting the electronic files merged and consolidated. Then, crash. My tires needed to be unexpectedly replaced when one got damaged and went flat. The motor on our ac went out for the 2nd time in 9 years, and we have to pay for the labor. FRUSTRATING.
I’m clearing out a lot of items in my home, redoing walls, etc. Sometimes I’m having a tough time letting go of things, even though I haven’t used something for years, and/or I’m hearing it’s time to let the item move on. I can’t find things I need, such a paper to get a sizable reimbursement. Items I love are breaking. UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’ve been detoxing and working on a metabolic reset. My body is getting healthier, and I’ve been able to start exercising again. My body is starting to reflect a shape again, and this makes my mom happy. I have a wedding for my nephew in June, and the pressure is mounting as it’s not progressing “fast enough” for what I’d like. YIKES.
My primary relationships are shifting. I’m still integrating connecting with members of my birth family (I was adopted) and the unexpected reactions in my (adopted) family members and myself. There are other primary relationships and situations shifting in fundamental ways. STRESSFUL.
I have a number of people in my life, and one in particular, close to me, who are acting as perfect mirrors for behaviors and words about me, that I needed to see in myself. All the ugly, seemingly cruel stuff I am hearing is really just a reflection of the ugly, cruel things I’ve been saying to myself. UGLY.
I’ve been guided to explore unexpected ways of supporting myself financially, on a long-term basis and in a sustainable way. Utilizing some of my natural skills and requiring developing new and emerging skills. I’m interacting with “new” people. PANIC-INDUCING.
A lot of what has worked for me in the past as distractions, doesn’t work anymore. The familiar coping mechanisms no longer work the same way, and primarily no longer work. DISTRESSING.
My usual way of being, what I’m familiar with is being shaken from to the core …. My foundation is being reset, restructured … I don’t have much familiar to fall back on. I’m usually the one with the answers. SCARY.
Everything is taking way longer … takes more effort. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A LOT OF THE TIME, lately. Even in doing this blog, my computer locked up and I had to reboot it, and a number of times I just had to sit and wait for it.
WHAT’S THE POINT IN SHARING ALL THIS? Especially since I rarely ever vent much, let alone publicly, as I don’t need nor desire any sympathy.
I’m feeling LOST. Life is feeling AWKWARD … UNPLEASANT … SICKENING … FRUSTRATING … UNCOMFORTABLE … STRESSFUL …. PANIC-INDUCING … UGLY …. DISTRESSING.
I say I want peace in my life, and my life isn’t reflecting this. So, maybe I don’t really want peace. The “committee in my head” starts to gear up for bashing me, my life, my past, my present, my future.
Today ….. I have tools to stay in the awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, stressful, distressing, sickening, panic-inducing, ugly, scary … and have it not be more than where I am, in the moment.
I have tools to stay in the present …. and not return to the past, nor project failure into the future.
I have tools to not freeze in the present, just because I’m feeling lots of potentially overwhelming feelings.
Today, I can choose to face the feelings, accept them, acknowledge them, and choose new ones … and if I don’t, that’s okay.
Today, I have the ability to choose. Let’s see who I choose to create.
Run from what’s comfortable.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on I’ll be mad.
Though I know time is completely an illusion of measurement, there are some things it assists in giving us opportunity for perspective. As the marker we call 2017 comes to a close, BEFORE I look forward into 2018 – as many are already doing – I choose to be present in this moment – this day – and sit in reflection, love, and gratitude for all that has transpired and shifted throughout this past cycle around the sun (and PHEW, there’s been a LOT!), which has brought me to this place, in this moment.
I know what MANY might say in reading this: “WHAT?! Are you KIDDING ME? Gratitude for 2017? This year was HORRIBLE, because. __________…” (fill in the blank).
However, it’s all about how we perceive it. As I see it, it’s not just energetic closure; it’s completion and complete presence in THIS moment… this PERFECT moment, in whatever way.
So, here are my personal reflections that came through in meditation this morning that I am now sharing with you…
I am hugely blessed and eternally grateful for the following from 2017:
- that we, collectively and individually, have finally come to a crucial point of realization, of self-awareness, in bringing up so much of our previously hidden and repressed darkness to the surface for all to see, recognize, and begin to DO something about its resolution;
- that I am where I am, at this point… and that I’m placed perfectly and ready, willing, and able to be in full Remembrance (and thus, help others to do the same), even when it’s uncomfortable to the ego;
- that the Multiverse and all within provide such full resources and support (including money) so easily and enjoyably to do so and “to proceed”;
- for all those with whom my path has crossed in any way, knowing it all assists in “what’s next”;
- for all of those with whom I share a beautiful, high vibration relationship of love, acceptance, authenticity, and adventuring forward together;
- for all facets of the Divine – ME – that/who have been assisting and supporting the progression of my journey “from behind the scenes” (and not so much behind the scenes, too);
- for showing up 100% and allowing the Multiverse to take care of 100% of the details to support that, synchronistically, easily, prosperously, and enjoyably;
- for the magnificent experiences I had in sharing an overlap in journeys with those furry family members who graduated out of the physical this year: our cat Athena (2001-2017), our cat Merlin ((2011-2017), and our dog Montana (~2001-2017). Beautiful, brilliant souls who provided just as much love and support in the physical as they did energetically;
- for the beautiful Divine beings in our NEW furry family that have joined us, Minerva (cat) and Obi-wan (cat), who quickly picked up the ball and have uniquely run with it in the wake of their predecessors;
- for all lessons completed – both the fun/enjoyable and the uncomfortable through higher guidance and yes, the ego, too;
- for such a strong, clear connection with higher guidance (even in the moments when I didn’t THINK this was so LOL);
- for those with whom I have parted ways at the present moment for whatever reason, knowing and trusting it’s all beautiful in the dances we dance, both together and apart, to fulfill our own journeys in 100% perfection… even when it doesn’t feel so in the moment;
- for all of the pleasant, fun, unexpected synchronicities that helped to remind me of the ongoing support I have;
- for all who have enlisted my aid – directly and/or indirectly – in whatever way to support their journey to self-empowerment and Divine awareness;
- for all of the many moments of pure joy, laughter (including laughing until I cry, of which there were many), and wonder for the lessons and self-awareness they’ve helped to provide me;
- for all of the moments of sadness, anger, and fear, for the lessons and self-awareness they’ve helped to provide me;
- for the amazing travel and experiences I’ve had and connections I’ve made;
- for the Remembrance that ALL is possible, that I am Divine, and that I create my entire experience;
- (actually,) for all Remembrance;
- for the increasing ability to see all in acceptance, individually and collectively, with the perspective of the much, much bigger picture;
- for my husband and (young adult) children, sharing in their love, and the continued opportunities we’ve had in growing where our journeys overlap;
- for my home, cars, belongings, and opportunity to appreciate all while simultaneously going through the lessons of being free from attachment.
In looking at all of this, it reminds me of how rich and full this very moment truly is; that regardless of the challenges that have come up, that there’s plenty to be grateful for – even in the challenges.
So, in deference to 2017 as a moment in “time,” because so many are cursing you… I choose instead to thank you, as a representative of all that for which I am thankful within me and my journey.
To all who read this, in the energy of this presence, can you do this? Can you take a few moments before midnight tonight to jot down all that you for which to be grateful… even if the ego has chosen to grumble about what’s been considered a “tough year,” if that’s the case… and take a little time to sit in that gratitude? Then, deem it complete and BE READY, in that place of love and gratitude, for every moment to come in this “next cycle” (there’s a LOT).
Much love and gratitude on the journey,
Originator, Trinity Energy Progression
One of the many ways that my Trinity Energy Progression practice has helped me change is how I experience my trips to the grocery store. I use to view these trips as another errand that I didn’t particularly enjoy. First, there would be the crowded parking lot, the initial glimpse of the extra time (I didn’t have) that this errand would take.The next indication was the dearth of carts, with only wobbly-wheeled ones left for navigating the crowded aisles of the store. But the produce was so colorful that I would feel a renewed sense of joy, only to find the avocados were as hard as rock and the store was out of organic spinach as well as my favorite coconut milk, while having a bountiful assortment of “healthy sweets” (chocolate-covered everything) and lots of really salty “healthy snacks” as an alternative for those with a sugar “addiction” like me. By the time I maneuvered around the store and made my way to the check-out line, I felt a combination of guilt, frustration, pride, and anticipation for what I had chosen to buy (or not buy) only to realize that I had left my “save the Earth” shopping bags in the car when I had finally found a parking place. Guilt completely overtook me as I knew I would not go back to my car to get them.
As I would approach the check-out lines, I would not be “feeling the love” for myself or for much of anything else while I was trying to quickly calculate which line would have the least wait time based on the number of people in line and the number of items in their carts, as well both the customers’ and cashiers’ commitment to take the check-out process “seriously.” And to determine who would do everything as quickly as humanly possible while I judged their success or lack thereof, especially when I more often than not chose the wrong/slowest line. Waiting in line was the most challenging part of the trip for me.
I was an undergraduate English major in college, so when I think about waiting, I often think about Samuel Beckett’s play “Waiting for Godot.” It is a play about two men waiting to meet Godot, who never comes. It always makes me think about how much time we can spend waiting for the future, or waiting for things that never happen. On another level, the play is about how time is part of our humanness, and how to make time matter while recognizing its fleeting nature. It is also about the paradox of time and how we can change our perception of the passing of time – how time “flies”and feels “time-less” when we are enjoying ourselves, and seems to “stop in its tracks” when we aren’t. Time “stopped in its tracks” for me at the grocery store.
In one of Eckart Tolle’s YouTube videos “Waiting with Presence,” he talks about how the old state of consciousness is waiting for the next thing whereas the new state of consciousness is not really waiting, just being where you are and enjoying that. As I have come to understand in my Trinity practice, everything in the moment is just the way it is – perfect! I now see this stopping of time as often the result of the past and future “crowding out” the Now, whereas time “flying” and feeling “time-less” is the expansiveness of being in the NOW, fully being where you are in the moment.
The ongoing journey with my practice has changed my grocery shopping trips (among other things) into a journey in itself, as I gave up waiting as a state of mind. I now see waiting as an opportunity to be present, and think of waiting as a gift – the gift of time to be present and free of judgment. I also see waiting as a time to connect, not just within me as part of my own spiritual practice. In an interview with Ram Dass by Eliot Jay Rosen, he asked Ram Dass about doing your spiritual practice while waiting in line at the bank. Ram Dass replied:
“Exactly. But you’re not doing a spiritual practice that involves going away from waiting in line at the bank. What I used to do is wait in line and I’d do mantra or breathing. I’d go into my vipassana meditation. But now I’m interested in whether waiting in line at the bank can itself be the thing. I notice my impatience, notice the feeling in my feet as I am standing there, notice the different levels of reality of the people I’m looking at. Am I seeing a bank teller or am I seeing the Divine Mother as a bank teller? I allow myself to play with the moment more, still dealing with the stuff of the moment rather than going away.”
Going to the grocery store is no longer just a trip for me where I have to wait in line. I especially like Eckart Tolle’s suggested response to someone who apologizes about having kept them waiting: “That’s all right, I wasn’t waiting. I was just standing there enjoying myself – in joy in myself.” This is now my grocery store journey where I embrace the waiting without judgment, and experience love and gratitude for being connected in the moment, for this moment. I play with the moment. I rarely forget my “save the Earth” shopping bags, but when I do, I joyfully go back to my car for them!
Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator/Practitioner
There has been much discussion of transcending the increasingly frenetic 3D, healing ourselves and the world, resolving the stories of this existence, etc. Recently, in the ethers, I got beyond all of these experiences to a level of pure BEing. I perceived my blissful opalescent Soul/Source Energy surrounded by soft clouds. This vision made me think of a poem I’d written at the time of my father’s passing.
The clouds stretch out
Shades of pale pink, yellow, and blue
Dust the surface of fluffy white,
Sunrise on the rest of your life.
A few unfinished details
Into the dazzling light.
No more struggles,
Futility and injustice.
Finally time to let go.
The false overlays now lifted,
Like veils of untruth,
Reveal what has always been
The overshadowed reality
At the core,
At last, set free to soar
Among the clouds.
Later that afternoon, I recognized the same opalescent colors and cloud-like imagery in my son’s ten-year-old watercolor painting. I’m continually “reminded” that awakening is a process of remembering what we already know at a deeper level. I consider these coincidences to be echoes of the soul, confirming an underlying truth we’re just now connecting to the larger reality.
The concept of the soul’s inherent, eternal magnificence waiting to BE re-embraced feels particularly timely. It’s comforting to understand the chaos around us as simply completing “a few unfinished details.” We can hold these low vibrational external situations in the Energy of BEing. In the midst of what may feel like increasingly dark hours, we can connect to this level of BEing, create the reality we choose, and soar in our own dazzling light.