Tag: spiritual journey
I used to be afraid of being “notorious” as I’ve always been a bit different. I wanted to “fit in”, to be known, to be liked. The issue is … I don’t think I’ve felt that way towards myself. Yet I’ve wanted it from outside of me. Except I also didn’t want to be like everyone else. Go figure.
In other words, I’ve had this contentious and confusing relationship with myself, and I wanted others to approve of me, when I haven’t approved of myself.
I’ve been on a path for a while to get to know myself although the path is a bit different than I had been on. Little did I know how the two were related, per the origins of the word “notorious”:
1540–50; Medieval Latin notorius evident, equivalent to no(scere ) to get to know (see notify) + -torius -tory
I don’t approach life the way most people do. In addition to a more open perspective on life, my brain processes information differently than almost anyone I know, or any of those who know me, know. Makes life interesting. I’ve always felt different, and lately, I’ve been feeling even more so.
More and more I’ve come to accept how I’ve been in life …. identify what comes naturally to me …. choosing what beliefs and perspectives are important to me versus what I thought should be …. choosing where I want to move out of a current comfort zone.
My entire life, I am used to being the one with the vision … the one blazing the trail … the one striking the path …. the one leading the team, whether I meant to or not, it just kind of happens.
For the past few years, I’ve enjoyed living without the need for much external validation.
Nowadays, I usually live more in the present ….. more focused on moving forward versus living from the past … more focused on thriving, joy, laughter ….
Then the past few weeks happened. Lately, I’ve been clearing and purging and processing and shifting and releasing and creating. I’ve been moody, emotional, out of sorts, judgmental, reactive, fearful, angry, resentful, etc. Not all of the time, but way more than I would like to live in and not how I am used to living my life, anymore.
I’m not getting things done when I’ve told others they would, or planned things would be complete. I don’t like this. Even more, I don’t like that I’m seeing this as a pattern in my life, whether there are factors seemingly out of my control or not. Which started me looking at other parts of who I thought I was.
Then, it hit me ….
I FEEL LOST.
I’m starting to see that I haven’t been completely who I, or others, thought I was. Nor, in some cases, is that who I want to be. I’ve been feeling like a fraud, a fake, an imposter …. and that’s the worst. Seeing what I have contorted myself to be, to fit the mold of others.
I see that I’ve been betraying myself, over and over … and then get outraged if someone seemingly does that to me.
I’m not sure who I am. I’m not sure who I really have been. Who has defined who I’m supposed to be? I’ve been living on auto-pilot … which is broken and no longer working for me.
WHO DO I WANT TO BE? What choices am I making? What choices do I want to make?
Because I’m experiencing a LOT of change in my life, I’m also experiencing a sense of overwhelm. I’m being put into a position of having to come face-to-face with the last 20 or so years of my life and well, it’s not all fun. In the process, I’ve been encountering one thing after another which is breaking down, burping, blowing up around me. AWKWARD.
In the midst of organizing tons of papers in boxes going back years and years, I’m coming face to face with what I’ve done and not done. I’m feeling nostalgic, regretful, sometimes proud and pleased. Mostly, UNPLEASANT.
I’ve been consolidating electronic files, merging duplicate files from over the past two decades … External hard drives have been crashing, before files could be pulled off. In the process of recovering what could be, and I got sick, I authorized destroying a hard drive which had been damaged before I checked what came off it. I lost YEARS and years of sole copies of my extensive work product, which I thought defined me. Even though I have some in paper form … SICKENING.
I’m experiencing odd issues with my computer, my phone, and especially my internet. Repeated tech visits, nothing helps. Everything is moving sooooo slow, which is part of what prompted getting the electronic files merged and consolidated. Then, crash. My tires needed to be unexpectedly replaced when one got damaged and went flat. The motor on our ac went out for the 2nd time in 9 years, and we have to pay for the labor. FRUSTRATING.
I’m clearing out a lot of items in my home, redoing walls, etc. Sometimes I’m having a tough time letting go of things, even though I haven’t used something for years, and/or I’m hearing it’s time to let the item move on. I can’t find things I need, such a paper to get a sizable reimbursement. Items I love are breaking. UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’ve been detoxing and working on a metabolic reset. My body is getting healthier, and I’ve been able to start exercising again. My body is starting to reflect a shape again, and this makes my mom happy. I have a wedding for my nephew in June, and the pressure is mounting as it’s not progressing “fast enough” for what I’d like. YIKES.
My primary relationships are shifting. I’m still integrating connecting with members of my birth family (I was adopted) and the unexpected reactions in my (adopted) family members and myself. There are other primary relationships and situations shifting in fundamental ways. STRESSFUL.
I have a number of people in my life, and one in particular, close to me, who are acting as perfect mirrors for behaviors and words about me, that I needed to see in myself. All the ugly, seemingly cruel stuff I am hearing is really just a reflection of the ugly, cruel things I’ve been saying to myself. UGLY.
I’ve been guided to explore unexpected ways of supporting myself financially, on a long-term basis and in a sustainable way. Utilizing some of my natural skills and requiring developing new and emerging skills. I’m interacting with “new” people. PANIC-INDUCING.
A lot of what has worked for me in the past as distractions, doesn’t work anymore. The familiar coping mechanisms no longer work the same way, and primarily no longer work. DISTRESSING.
My usual way of being, what I’m familiar with is being shaken from to the core …. My foundation is being reset, restructured … I don’t have much familiar to fall back on. I’m usually the one with the answers. SCARY.
Everything is taking way longer … takes more effort. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING A LOT OF THE TIME, lately. Even in doing this blog, my computer locked up and I had to reboot it, and a number of times I just had to sit and wait for it.
WHAT’S THE POINT IN SHARING ALL THIS? Especially since I rarely ever vent much, let alone publicly, as I don’t need nor desire any sympathy.
I’m feeling LOST. Life is feeling AWKWARD … UNPLEASANT … SICKENING … FRUSTRATING … UNCOMFORTABLE … STRESSFUL …. PANIC-INDUCING … UGLY …. DISTRESSING.
I say I want peace in my life, and my life isn’t reflecting this. So, maybe I don’t really want peace. The “committee in my head” starts to gear up for bashing me, my life, my past, my present, my future.
Today ….. I have tools to stay in the awkward, uncomfortable, frustrating, stressful, distressing, sickening, panic-inducing, ugly, scary … and have it not be more than where I am, in the moment.
I have tools to stay in the present …. and not return to the past, nor project failure into the future.
I have tools to not freeze in the present, just because I’m feeling lots of potentially overwhelming feelings.
Today, I can choose to face the feelings, accept them, acknowledge them, and choose new ones … and if I don’t, that’s okay.
Today, I have the ability to choose. Let’s see who I choose to create.
Run from what’s comfortable.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
I have tried prudent planning long enough.
From now on I’ll be mad.
These last several years of my life have probably been some of the most incredible times, other than the birth of my son, in my entire life. I have always been very spiritual but did not know what that meant nor did I understand the implications of it. Throughout my life I was presented with situations; I always knew what I needed to do and never questioned why or other possibilities. One of the most amazing things to come out of this type of lifestyle is that I ended up helping raise three beautiful young ladies that have made my life so much richer just by them letting me be a part of their lives. I was also gifted with an amazing son that challenged me every step of the way of him becoming an adult. We both survived; he is now a wonderful adult.
I was introduced to the Spiritual with one Reiki session. That was all it took. I had no knowledge what “being spiritual” was but I knew that was going to be my path in life. Like all of the other times I was presented with a new situation, I followed my guidance. I studied and became a Reiki Master; I learned more about the Spiritual. Then in 2012 it came to me that I would be leaving the West Palm Beach (WBP), FL area which I had lived in since I was about ten months old. I would be leaving three of my kids, two of my grandkids, my elderly mother, a sister, and a lot of very special friends. I did not have the financial means to move so I put out to the Universe that if I really was supposed to go, “they” would have to make it happen. In a totally unexpected way, the finances fell into place and I had the money to move. At first I was clueless as to what this meant but eventually the opportunity became available for me to move to the Raleigh, North Carolina area; I moved in July of 2013. I picked and rented a house in Apex, North Carolina via the internet without actually seeing the house, packed my stuff, and moved.
After moving up here one of the first things I did was find someone to get Reiki sessions from as that was very important to me at the time. I made several trips back to WPB a few times right after I moved for family events that were going on. I visited my Spiritual Mentor on one of the visits and she asked me if I had found a group to get involved with, and I told her no. She made me promise that I would find one. After returning home, I opened the local Spiritual Meetup listings and was scrolling down looking at the different groups that were having meetings. I was drawn to one that Angela (Coulter, Trinity Originator) was having at her house which I actually attended. This was so out of my box and personal comfort zone, by the way. That was the beginning of an amazing 2014 year for me. After attending the meeting, it came to me that I needed to get to know Angela better. I attended a Trinity Energy Progression™ Open House in November and then took the Trinity Energy Progression Practitioners Class in January 2014. My life was changed forever again.
While in the class I met many wonderful Trinity Energy Progression Practitioners and students. I found that I was part of a Spiritual family which is coming together again. At that class I met Linda Grimm; and was guided to find out more about what she did spiritually. In addition to being a Trinity Energy Progression Practitioner, Linda is a ThetaHealer and Teacher among many other spiritual gifts. So I was guided to take the ThetaHealing® Basic then Advanced program. Out of the blue, after I had registered for ThetaHealing classes Angela presented me with an opportunity to go to Mt. Shasta for the Facilitator’s class which was really unbelievable in so many ways. I did not meet the prerequisites to train for the Trinity Energy Progression Facilitators class. Angela briefly entertained the idea that she may take additional students. It came to me that I really needed to attend the Facilitators training so I just let her know that if she did decide to enlarge the group that I was interested. She told me a little while later that she had decided not to take additional students. I was disappointed; Again I sent it out to the Universe that if I was supposed to go, “they” had to make it happen. That is what is so amazing about just letting the Universe settle things for you.
In 2014, this is where my spiritual journey took me – January I trained as a Trinity Energy Progression Practitioner; in May I trained in Theta Healing Basic; in June I trained in Theta Healing Advanced. Then, as it turned out in July I went to Mt. Shasta to train as a Trinity Facilitator. Somehow I had gotten on the spiritual fast track. Man, what a ride it has been. Trinity Energy Progression and Theta Healing are both amazingly beautiful energies, and I knew I needed to train in both. I’m still not totally sure why or where it will all lead but I am just following my guidance and growing each day with the beauty of it all.
My life, though awesome, was extremely challenging and difficult. Every one of us has challenging lives but we all carry the baggage differently. I began working on myself with the help of my mentors and new-found soul family as well as all of my new energies that I now have as part of me. The tools are amazing; I learn new things about myself and my spiritual life every day. I started forgiving myself and letting go of so much that I carried. These energies have allowed me to become more of the spiritual person I am supposed to be. I have had several very important changes for the better in my physical health since I have been forgiving myself and others, and letting it all go. I still have a ways to go but am moving forward every day. I do trust that the Universe has my back and will guide me in all that I do; I always have even when I didn’t realize it, and that is an amazing thing to know now that I understand it so much better. The Spiritual and the Universe are amazing and will take care of us if we just trust and let it.
Facilitator, Trinity Energy Progression™