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Up From the Ashes
“Whether we remain the ash or become the phoenix is up to us.” ~ Ming-Dao Deng
I lay in bed that morning, languishing somewhere between waking and dreaming. This particular morning felt much different than all the others as I tried to navigate through the fog that was my mind. Even though I was just waking up for the day, I felt exhausted. It was the kind of tiredness that permeated every particle and fiber of my being. I somehow felt as if my spirit, my everlasting soul, the essence of who I know myself to be, was in the process of leaving my body, for the last time. My first thought was of my children. In that brief moment of quiet reflection, I decided that together they would be alright in the world without me. In desperation, I summoned my spiritual guides and angels, requesting their much needed help. I felt as though I no longer had the will, or the strength to carry on. Before I drifted back off to sleep, my last conscious thought was declaring to myself, “I surrender.”
After more than fifty years in this body, enduring childhood abuse, domestic violence, neglect, poverty, and ultimately trying to work through all of it in therapy, I had never surrendered before, I had never entirely given up – on me. A survivor, a fighter, it had always gone against my nature to admit that perhaps I could not count on myself any longer. It felt as if all of the suffering and pain had finally taken its toll. In what seemed like my darkest hour, I came to the realization that something would have to be different. I could no longer survive in the world like this.
Living most of my life in a deep state of denial, I thought about the words someone dear to me once said, “…once denial is broken, you can never go back.” I looked upon this vivid, yet surreal experience and felt such gratitude and at the same time, a deep sense of sadness that this is how it would end. The death grip I’d had on life was slipping, I could no longer hold on. I found myself in a place I had heard about but had never personally experienced. A place where one arrives, perhaps not knowing how they came to be there. A place one can only access after letting go of absolutely everything else.
My expectation was that I would drift off to sleep and not wake up. That somehow I would continue to depart my body and my spirit would exit this earthly existence.
What happened next was quite a surprise to me. As soon as I chose to surrender and let go, I heard a voice inside me say, “It’s not your time.” No words can express the relief and freedom I felt in that moment. Not only did I recognize that I was not alone, I knew from that point forward, my life would never be the same again. It was such a life changing and deeply freeing experience to finally, finally know that even when I was at my lowest point, I am not alone – I am – always here, in this eternal Now!
Tammy Taylor
Facilitator, Trinity Energy Progression
Shadow Work 2: Shame Exposé
Over the past several months, I have been going down an ego spiral with self-judgement, judgement, and narcissistic thought patterns. I was angry with the lack of recognition for my contributions and I would bounce back and forth between judging others and judging myself. Then I was judging myself for being judgmental. In my professional life I was receiving a lot of praise and acknowledgement for my contributions and skills leading up to promotion after 7 months at a new job. I was humbled by the new opportunity, but I also felt uncomfortable by the recognition. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I was feeling I was not good enough when I was not getting recognition and then not good enough to receive the recognition when it was given.
For this blog, I decided to present some the ideas from the psycho-social research I have been reading on shame and relate it back to alternative healing, primarily focusing on Trinity Energy ProgressionTM. In the energy healing circles, people like to criticize the established fields of science. However, I implore you to start keeping an open mind since everyone is shifting even in the science community. Labeling all science and research as being “3D” or “in-the-box” thinking is highly judgmental, especially if you have not read or considered any of the ideas, not to mention hypocritical if also quoting Carl Jung and misappropriating ideas from quantum physics. Who’s the fundamentalist now? LOL. The shame researchers are very out-of-the box thinkers; and have struggled to get their research published. It is a huge disservice to discredit them as being in league with the old paradigm. I am not going to bore you with research details here, but I will try to offer a balanced perspective to inspire you to look shame in the face.
Shame is a dirty word in our society. We don’t like to talk about it. We keep our shame hidden even from our closest friends. We are taught shame at an early age. We even place value on shame as way to maintain societal norms and traditions. Consider the phrase “Have you no shame?”. But shame is not beneficial; its basic function is to keep our true selves hidden. It is the ego’s greatest tool to keep us isolated and separated from each other. Shame cuts off our ability to connect with others and fuels denial, aggression, and judgement. Even healing facilitators are not immune to the effects of shame. The shame could come from current life issues, inherited from our parents, and perhaps past lives, but I believe it is something primarily perpetuated in the collective.
My focus on shame came to light after a friend lent me a lecture series given by Brené Brown. I finally started piecing together my behavior patterns with shame. Brené Brown’s lecture was like preaching to the choir for me. It did not necessarily tell me what I didn’t already know, but it did empower me with the vocabulary and a framework for how shame was affecting me. I would recommend giving “The Power of Vulnerability” a listen if you have an interest in the topic.
So what is shame? Shame is often conflated with self-judgement and guilt. However, I understand shame as not being the same as self-judgement or guilt. It is true that shame may seem to be a product of judgement, but we have to be taught shame first in order be affected by judgement. This is where the mirror comes in. When we judge others, we judge them on issues that we hold shame for ourselves, but we do not necessarily judge ourselves for that issue, which is the distinction. If we feel that if we are lacking in a topic or characteristic, we will judge someone else for excelling or under-performing in those areas. This is an ego mechanism/behavior to protect one’s separate identity by justifying or distracting from the way we feel about ourselves. To put it in another way: shame is a feeling related to self-esteem and isolation, and judgement is one of many thought-behavior patterns inspired by shame.
Consider the Compass of Shame developed by Donald Nathanson (1992) as a tool to describe behaviors, in which people engage when consumed by shame. The four patterns of behavior are “withdrawal”, “avoidance”, “attack others”, and “attack self”. Withdrawal is the behavior pattern where one seeks isolation from others. Avoidance is the behavior to deny or distract from one’s own thoughts and feelings. Attack others and attack self are pretty self explanatory. These are the shields that we put up to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable. As much as I do not wish to admit it, I feel that I have expressed all four behavior patterns over the past several months, but I know that this happened in order for me to finally say “enough is enough”.
I am by no means cured of my shame issues, but I believe I am making headway in identifying why I judge myself and others or become withdrawn. This is why I am not going to simply tell you to stop judging or release judgement or any other behavior in the shame compass. Some of us have been gifted with a strong sense of shame, and such advice will just further the expression of shame. If you want to take it further, telling someone to stop doing something that is wrong or not beneficial imparts a sense of judgement, no matter how you sugarcoat it. The caring advice-giving person may not be actively or consciously judging, but the person who is receiving the advice will interpret judgement because of their own shame, which the ego uses to highjack the mind. They feel bad for doing it, and then the shame-based behavior will continue. Brené Brown gave an example about drug abuse and shame, in which interventions that judge or attempt to guilt the addict into rehabilitation do not effect change in the behavior. This is why healing the shame is vital. Releasing judgement is secondary since it is an addiction.
So what about guilt? Apparently a little bit of guilt is healthy. It is the feeling that one gets when recognizing that one has done someone else wrong. There may be a little bit of shame involved, but if the shame consumes you, you will have no room for guilt, and therefore not recognize what the other person has felt. Guilt comes from empathy and provides the drive to correct errors, whereas shame would prevent one to express empathy and make amends. The distinction is subtle, but it is an important one to make. If someone is “consumed by guilt” and not doing something to correct the issue, then there is probably more of a shame issue.
So how does one heal their shame? It sounds overwhelming, and you may not know where to begin. Deciding to focus on and heal one’s shame is truly difficult, because admitting one’s shame is often regarded as weakness. This is the type of shadow work that could be lifelong if the proper perspective is not enabled. The first step would be to recognize how shame influences our behavior and in what ways it governs our self-esteem, and I would recommend using the Compass of Shame as a start if you are clueless of where to begin. You can do an internet image search for it and see how it relates to any behavior patterns you see in your life. Another approach is to have a no-judgement candid discussion with a friend or loved one about what they see in your daily behavior that would fit the shame behavior compass, which may be painful to hear; think of it as a bandage being ripped off. Hopefully you would be mentally prepared for what you will hear if you are in control of the situation, because it could always come to you without invitation.
We often want to change our behaviors or thoughts without going to the deeper root issues, but we still have to do the work that makes look directly at our shame (shadow). It is about accepting ourselves for who we are and loving every bit of it. We have to forgive ourselves and remember that we are not alone. We are not the only ones having this experience despite other people’s shame having you believe otherwise. To put perspective on the matter, I view shame as the 3D mind/body expression (aka emotion) caused by the separation from others and our divinity. It is the prison cell, within which we lock ourselves despite having the key. I cannot express strongly enough that meditation and mindfulness are probably the most important tools when healing shame.
I know this is all easier said than done. I can only point the way and walk some distance with you. The inertia of getting started is always difficult to overcome. If you do not already have healing meditation practice in mind, I would recommend Trinity Energy Progression as a wonderful tool to get started and make a arduous journey fun and inspiring. For me, Trinity has been the method for keeping the light bright while delving deep into the shame shadow work. Trinity allows us to easily remember our divinity and the oneness. In order to grow, we may have to face some difficult issues that slow our progression. How you choose to do it will determine how graceful and easy it will be. I think I will choose LOVE!
Unclogging, Letting Go of the $*@! for 2015 (and Letting In the Magic)
:::PHEW:::
Every moment… every day… every week… every month… and every YEAR leads up to the next cumulative step in our individual and collective progress. Somewhere in 2014 we hit the uptick in the exponential curve for transforming, and the speed of our shifting has just gone off the charts in the past several months!
For the end of our 2014 calendar year… I was doing a lot of what in energy healing we call “infrastructure work”… meaning, a lot of clearing at the collective/oversoul levels. And I found that for some reason, the “tipoff” would come in the form of repetition via my clients, friends… and more and more, something that would manifest with ME, in MY life. It kept on getting bigger and bigger… and I was getting more and more irritated that these “hiccups” were manifesting as such in the 3D. Why, suddenly, had my flow “gone bad”? I would have worked on and cleared the hiccup and would be fine again for a few days… flowing along… and then BANG! The next one came up. And, as we got closer and closer to the end of the calendar year, it was getting more and MORE (vs. less and less) intense. I was getting SO irritated…
A few days before New Year’s Eve, in my house, we noticed we were having some odd plumbing issues. Part of what I’d taken on was recognizing something immediately… so it wouldn’t escalate. We had a plumber come out the day before New Year’s, and snaked the house. The downstairs was fine… the upstairs was still slow. The plumber suggested we try something to help with the upstairs that wold be an “easy fix.” So, the morning of New Year’s, up to the roof my husband went.
Next thing I knew, the toilets downstairs were flooded again. My husband – who was getting abnormally agitated by this – felt that our septic tank must be full. He called the plumber back, who agreed…and though they had a booked schedule… their emptying crew was actually just up the road from our house, so they fit us in, and they were at my house within 15 minutes (so I knew I was ALMOST THERE, if the “remedy” in the 3D was that available). At the same time, a friend of mine with whom I’m very paralleled energetically texted me to tell me that SHE was having some sort of crisis. I was at my wit’s end; I was tired and EXTREMELY frustrated at one thing after another coming up to “hold me back”… physically and/or financially!!! This was SO unusual for me… and it was such an anomaly, all throughout the season, that I was REALLY getting angry about the whole thing! I would ask if it were me, and would get NO… I would ask if it were my kids or pets, and I would get NO… I would ask if it were my husband, and I would get a undefined sort of thing… which caused my ego to want to project it on to him! My husband – an adept practitioner himself – was in the same place of frustration, of clearing, clearing, clearing… and didn’t feel like he’d missed anything.
So, my friend and I decided to do an impromptu share together (a share is when we get together to do energy work with each other), on Skype. I’d started crying; and yet, the tears felt MUCH BIGGER than just me. As is usual with the two of us, we always set the intention to do the healing at the highest related oversoul level… releasing the lesson, and whatever the cause of the individual manifestation was.
It’s funny to note that JUST when we started, the septic people had just gotten to my house, and I could hear the hum of what I called the “septic sucker” outside of my home office window… how the physical completely manifests from the non-physical…
When we started, I immediately saw my husband and I, with our arms around each other, standing at and looking over the edge of this huge pool – let’s call it an ocean – of s**t. Yes, there was some of ours… but I understood it was actually representative of ALL of us (of course… right to the collective/oversoul). A huge, huge, overwhelming , core sadness came over me, and the tears just started flowing. I was sobbing… and all I heard, at the higher level, was, “We define ourselves by this.” So much sadness to let it go… so much fear of losing our identity, of what we felt we’d accomplished. The light just turned up and up… and the thought at the higher consciousness was, “But it’s time to LET IT GO.” The remembrance was that we HAD to let go of it ALL – all of the muck (a somewhat nicer word for it LOL) – to move into the “next phase,” into the ascended world, “Earth 2.0,” and “Universe 2.0.” We wouldn’t move forward, individually or collectively, until we did.
Lots and lots and LOTS of tears, SUCH a huge, overwhelming feeling of loss!
And yet… I could see the even higher perspective. The “muck”…the “s***t”…the darkness, or whatever you want to call it – is everything separation. OF COURSE it defines us… because definition comes from experience of duality/separation itself! So, we added in there whatever was needed for us to remember that… and to release it. I saw threads of light break through the ocean, which turned out to be more like rock-solid ickiness; as we continued releasing, the light broke through more and more, the “pieces” broke up…or rather, simply became “reincorporated” into the light, since they were all a part of the illusion. Then, at some point, I saw a huge net of light encompass the entire hugeness of it… and understand it was all being processed, all being incorporated into our “Akashic Records” for complete resolution… and then it began to disappear.
By the end of our two sessions (we call them “Part 1” and “Part 2”), there had been a HUGE shift; a HUGE heaviness had left me, with only remnants to resolve and release. What a GREAT way to end one phase and start another (whether you want to call it a “new year” – connected to the illusion of our 3D – or simply a “new phase”)!
Even funnier… that the “septic sucker” finished almost immediately after we did! I found out later that, because it had been so long since the septic had been emptied (let’s just say it was WAYYY past overdue), they’d showed my husband that there had been a layer of hardened matter on the top that was about two feet thick – ewww, and how completely related to what I’d seen “out there” – and they had to do some work to break it up to get it to go.
Click on the picture above to watch the full recording!
Both of us felt a huge relief (though I will note that it was VERY FUNNY that my friend had to have a plumber go out to HER house on New Year’s Day – covered under a warranty – to snake HER plumbing… so obviously, residual clearing). After that… there were clearings for both of us to release that which causes us to take on the responsibility to do releasing work for the collective/oversouls, and to have to manifest that into our own realities as reflection so we’d see it (no more of THAT)! And there was actually a bunch of other cleanup work for us to do with ourselves… but WOW… what an AMAZING start to the next phase! This was completely reinforced by the AMAZING 5-hour online marathon we did on New Year’s Day on “The Ascended World: 2015 Spiritual/Metaphysical Kickoff”… so much flow, so much shining of the light gathered for that 5 hours! (If you missed it live, you can watch the recording, with speakers, topics, and time stamps posted, here.)
There have been a standing toilet jokes with the Trinity instructors who took class in Mt. Shasta with me in 2014; it started when we ran out of toilet paper at the place where all the students stayed… and it’s held on through the rest of the year, because it seemed that during several classes I taught – all in different locations – we would run out of toilet paper in the middle of class! Letting go… letting go… and we’ve been getting the message for at least six months!
Day 3 into this “freedom from the ocean of muck,” wow… what a difference! The past few days have begun to feel lighter and lighter, and MUCH different than the typical 3D “new year”! In letting all of that muck go… it’s a whole new world, a whole new Universe, without all of that holding us down… or holding us back.
So… SOAR forward, clean and free! NOW, the fun and the magic REALLY begin!
Much, much love, LIGHT, and FUN,
Angela Coulter
Originator, Trinity Energy Progression
The Gift of Consciousness…Now and Beyond the Holiday Season
As I’ve spent a lot of time culling down my practices and focus areas over the end-of-year holidays… I tend to really love them, from both the 3D and the higher consciousness levels.
However, unexpectedly, this holiday season has been pretty challenging for me, and for awhile, I hadn’t received the conscious understanding as to why that was. It made no sense; overall; this year has been stupendous, lots of fun, lots of flow, lots of growth… and I figured I would just transition easily and effortlessly into an enjoyable holiday season.
For awhile, I couldn’t figure out why that wasn’t so.
I’ve done all of this energetic healing around abundance, around letting go of the past we tend to hold on to during the end-of-year holidays, since we tend to abide so tightly to tradition, ceremony, and rituals. We’ve culled our holiday decorations in our house, we’ve gotten new ones… and started some new traditions. The last several years have been phenomenal! However… from the beginning, I just couldn’t get myself to engage in the season this year.
Simultaneously, we’ve just been going through bigger and bigger metaphysical doorways of transition, growth, and HUGE expansion. That’s been GREAT… and yet, it started to trip me up around the end of November. I realize that my situations are far from being as challenging as many others, and I also realize I do a lot of energetic work at the “infrastructure” levels – oversouls/collectives/etc. that sometimes cause a “heavier flow” energetically, if only very temporarily.
While continuously releasing, expanding, and evolving on that front, I noticed more and more friction and irritation inside of me around the holidays, around some of the most minute things: so much I was observing in the interactions of others felt contrived; I noticed I had very little patience for holiday music, noticing that the entire season is generally built off of about 20 songs (and their hundreds of renditions); even unhappiness with the beautiful and simple tree we chose to bring home and decorate. During a season when I typically feel SO in the flow of it… I felt nothing, and actually, a little bit lost! And I pondered about that… while also noticing that the flow had slowed down quite a bit. In fact, there were many unusual “stop and go” moments throughout that felt like I was riding in a stick shift car with a screwed up clutch! I was having a challenging time synching up my spiritual self and my 3D self… and that alone frustrated me.
The realization came together for me early this week (just in time LOL)… and now, looking back on the eve of the season, I do remember hearing Jeshua’s voice when I first noticed this, telling me all that matters is simply the way that I LIVE now. I sort of brushed that comment aside. I should’ve known better (being that it’s Jeshua LOL) and looked at it from this perspective earlier!
In the past years, I’ve shifted to a place far more centered from a place of love… all year round. I connect with others from the heart, and those with whom I’m drawn to connect are those I feel guided to have in my life. Whether I speak with someone once during the year or daily, whether I interact with them on social media or in person… if they’re there, it’s because my HEART knows they belong there; we serve a purpose in each other’s realities in some way. If we’re not… then we’re not. There’s no regrets; there are many with whom I have a connection that doesn’t necessitate our regular connection here in the 3D… though they’re just as important as others, just in a different way. There are others with whom I’ve fulfilled our interaction “agreements”… and we are free to go along our separate individual journeys. Again… I still have a huge amount of gratitude and love I have for them…this includes friends and biological family alike!! I also allow relationships to exist outside of any predetermined box, vs. based on 3D’s societal expectations – whatever they look like, and however it serves us as the involved parties is PERFECT as we choose for our journeys.
It’s SO freeing and pure to be able to live this way!
However, this year, I’ve noticed the feeling, which I realize now has been largely from the collective level – which exacerbated the volume of it in my consciousness – that though there are many who do truly love the holidays for the connection to others, there’s far more of the collective creating the constant energy of frenetic obligation. So often, we spend so much time focusing on – and often fretting over – who we “have to” get gifts for, how much money we have (or don’t have) to spend, who we “have to” see, what we “have to” do… that on a larger level, so many speed through the holidays to finish off the checklist and get to the finish line! We’ve forgotten the real reason for the season, which is love in the highest vibration… Divine, unconditional love.
With Divine love, it just IS. We just ARE. This is all that is needed, except that remembrance, and that PRACTICE!
Often, even when we profess to be the MOST focused on that via our practices (often within a belief system) we tend to be held up in rituals and ceremony of obligation… vs. acting from the heart. There are many, many lessons for releasing the ego embedded in all of this! So often, one does a “good deed” largely for the purpose of telling others about the good deed (thus, proving value as a “good person”), vs. just because of guidance from the heart, without needing external validation. So many activities, so many practices are carried out because that’s what’s been passed down or influenced by others… without the individual considering if it’s truly heart felt, or just going through the moves. So many turn the season into a “keeping up with the Joneses” or making someone else happy for the sake of proving “what a good person they are” vs. just doing what feels right.
Time to change all of that!
What I realize I was feeling was a great incongruency between who I am now and what I do from the heart, without the additional need to “package it in a box” the way the season tends to be dictated in our 3D world. Though I’ve changed much of that, and have been living it this year more purely than ever before, at some level I felt like I needed to fit myself back into “the box” – no matter how subtly – to fulfill a certain role and practice during the season. It was THAT feeling – the collective reflecting back to me the amplification of whatever crumbs were left of that box within – that was causing such a disconnection (and in some cases, outright friction/resistance).
When we remember how to exist from that place of Divine love, for the Self and all around us, we simply hold our relationships and our Earth experience in the utmost gratitude and acceptance of the perfection of everything… regardless of what it “looks like” to others. When we start living that way day to day, a feeling of joviality and happiness is an everyday occurrence… and we incorporate that into all parts of our lives, all the time, all year round. We become more open and free about our love and joy, and therefore, the need to package it in a box simply goes away… because it becomes Christmas (or fill in the blank with your related holiday) EVERY day. And it just gets better and better! So, start today… honor yourself and those you love with the truest, purist you that you can be, and make EVERY day a holiday! 😉
Much, much love to you and yours this season and ALWAYS… and namaste,
Angela Coulter
Originator, Trinity Energy Progression
Set Your Intention and Let Go
In the last 3 weeks a fierce s**t storm has arrived in my life. Literally, it hit me full on and I have been in the center of it until I realized I was holding on. I was holding on to the past, to the drama, the 3D. I also knew that I had chosen this to happen as I was not in full realization of my Divinity of how ALIVE I really AM and of my power to let go completely and I mean COMPLETELY.
What I am about to share with you is my experience through the storm and the full realization of what I am and what I can do and what I am doing now.
The storm was horrific and in the moment, I saw myself right in the center of it, holding on to this thin frail reed. This thin frail reed that had deep, strong roots. I knew that I just needed to let go. That was the difficult part. I did not know how to do it. So I fought against it until something just snapped. It was the reed. I saw myself in the vortex of the storm, tossed violently left and right, and up and down. I needed to experience the storm. Chose to experience it in the event I needed to be fully aware of my rebirth into WHO I REALLY AM.
STOP! JUST STOP! STOP THE MADNESS! What am I to learn from all of this? What is it? I kept asking. Kept asking until…
It was Thursday, December 11 at around 1 am in the morning when I was in the ER with my mother. She was in the hallway on a gurney because they did not have a room for her. My sister was on the 3rd floor on a ventilator fighting to live. It had been 8 hours of just waiting and as mom’s blood pressure was rising I was meditating. Tapping in and tuning into the Divine using what I have learned through the Trinity Energy Progression™ teachings and experience with Angela Beyer Coulter and so many others who I love so very much.
As I focused in on mom’s soul, eyes wide open I called on my higher self, my angels, my guides for help. I screamed for help! Everything faded into a bright white light around her and they came. One by one infusing her and I with their love. At that moment, I just let go. I let go of her, of my sister, of my life and they all turned to me and said, “You do realize that you are a living Divine being just like us? You do realize that you cannot die and that you like us, are alive on so many other levels of existence? You do realize that you are now alive in a way that you have never been before because you are fully awake and aware that you are living as a Divine being like us? Do you realize your Divinity? Do you see that you are able to let it all go and watch it flow because you are LIVING ETERNALLY?”
With that, I just sat there and felt their love, my love flow and let go. I died in a way… OR better said, I was REBORN. With the realization of WHO I AM I was REBORN. I set the intention to just let go because I AM ALIVE now and will continue to live forever. I am Divine. WE are Divine. We are forever alive and living. Everything that may be an irritant, a worry, a lack of time or a lack of this or that or the other is of no consequence because WE LIVE ETERNALLY FOREVER. This experience in the 3D is not limiting and does not have to continue to be difficult if we JUST LET GO.
Today and 3 weeks later, my sister is off the ventilator, breathing on her own. My mother is at home and has some health issues but that just doesn’t matter. I just don’t care in the way I did before. Time has changed, too. For instance I get up and I do what I want to do to get from point A and B; and do not even look at the clock because I know it just does not matter. I am FREE. I am DIVINE. I am moving at my pace on my own terms FOREVER in my DIVINITY to experience what I came here to do. Through Trinity and in the chamber I go every night on my own terms. I do not need or want of anything because everything is forever and is as it should be – PERFECT!
My experience like yours is mine. No pressure. Be who you came here to be. I love you FOREVER.
Sevi Costaras
Facilitator, Trinity Energy Progression™
D5 Creation